There are good days and there are bad days and I've learned I'll always have someone there to listen to my complaints and griefs and exciting news. I don't need a blog to write to the universe what i can share with a friend.

Snow Day

It snowed today! Like, legitimate SNOW :)
School was dismissed at lunch so the only four classes I had to get through were basically blow offs! Every teacher (except Mrs. Reed, of course) let us go play in the snow. Then the seniors went to Cici's for lunch and that was ok, I guess. But then I came home to a white-covered lawn and played for like 2 hours! I had a snow ball fight with my daddy, made a snow angel, and made freddy, my awesome snow man who still currently exists :)
It's not that I haven't seen snow before it just that it's HERE. Houston has some of the most bipolar weather EVER!

Senioritis

Tired of faith west. Tired of high school. Tired of busywork. Tired of projects. Tired of threats. Tired of uniforms. Tired of drama. Tired of costumes. Tired of midterm reviews. Tired of math. Tired of 6 freaking 45 in the morning. Tired of ac in the winter and heater in the summer. Tired of diarrhea-colored paint. Tired of sound systems that don't work. Tired of carpool. Tired of late bells. Tired of student parking lots. Tired of chapel. Tired of announcements. Tired of pledges. Tired of Bible class. Tired of teachers who don't know how to teach. Tired of lunch tables. Tired of crappy bathrooms. Tired of intercoms. Tired of Katy.

Bring on college!!!!

Prayer and Thanksgiving

I have a lot to be thankful for.
Looking over the past week has shown me just that.
I have the most beautiful niece in the entire world. She's lifting herself up and, and just growing up so fast...And four-ish months from now I'll have another niece...

I've spent the last two days working with my best friend in the entire world. I'm sad she has to leave tomorrow but I'm glad to have spent so much time with her.

This week has been such a blessing in so many ways...It's been so nice to have a break for once...

I don't even want to think about school on Monday

Edward Cullen can bite me anytime!

Well, Jeremy's old laptop finally died. The computer didn't die, actually, just the screen. But either way, I can't use it. I feel weird typing this on the family computer...I didn't think I used the laptop so much until it finally went byebye.

New Moon was AMAZING! I've seen it everyday of the opening weekend and I have plans with Jenn to see it tomorrow! As much as I hate that book and don't understand why I willingly subject myself to acute pain, it really is a great movie. Ten billion times better than the first one. And it was great to see Best Friend! Can't wait to see her some more this week!

Jer and I had a conversation over whether or not Edward Cullen was an abusive boyfriend. Of course Jeremy thinks he is and I hold the opposing opinion. He may seem like that but all of his actions are only to keep Bella from harm. And if Bella thought he was abusive, she would have gotten away from him. The thing is, I would want someone like Edward. I want someone who will protect me and who will forever be devoted to me. I don't think that's abuse, I think that's love. But what do I know about love? Clearly, I'm not cut out for it.

I wish people would stop talking about guys I can date. I don't want that. I don't want people trying to set me up and I don't want that attention...or that hope. If I sit here and let people do that, I'll start hoping things that I shouldn't. The only outcome of hope is heartbreak. I can't do that again.

I think seeing New Moon so many times in a row has me in some sort of depressed funk. I need to read/watch something more uplifting. Star Trek maybe?!

damaged goods

Jordan finally has her first boyfriend. They've been dating since homecoming and he's a really sweet guy but she is completely head over heels. Last wednesday at senior girl bible study she was talking about how they met and telling their story and whatnot and she was saying that she knows that she'll marry Phillip. I'm worried because I felt the same way about Jer. There was never a doubt in my mind...Even when I broke up with him I couldn't believe what I was saying. My mom is still convinced I'll marry him. But I know that none of it was ever true. That future is lost to me and I think that's one of the hardest things about losing him. Not only did I lose my best friend but i lost whatever future I had with him as well. I don't want Jordan to be broken like I am. Especially not with her first boyfriend.
That's another thing. I've accepted the fact that I'm damaged goods. I don't know what guy will ever want that but that's what I am. There are pieces of my heart that I've given away that I'll never get back. A small piece to Jack and a huge one to Jeremy. Whatever heart I have left belongs to God. There's nothing left to give away.
I think reading New Moon was NOT a good idea. I knew that reading it so soon would be hard. And it was. I know exactly the pain she goes through. So not only did I basically subject myself to agonizing emotional pain but it's caused me to see my "love life" in such depressing ways.
No matter how much it hurts or how depressing my personal life may seem, at least I have not sunk back into that numb stupor that I had at times. I haven't hurt my parents like that and I haven't been apathetic towards anything.

We sent in the first deposit to SU today. SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO excited

Black, White, and Gold

I got my SU box today with all my new stuff. I officially have a decal on my car and a new tshirt, hoody, and some other cool stuff. :) I'm a pirate! I also got a letter from the SU admissions people saying congrats and that they were impressed by me which I thought was really great of them. I filled out my housing application and decision form and we'll being mailing them in as soon as I get my corrected scholarship letter. I'm really super duper excited about my dorm and who will be my roommate and all that jazz! I can't wait for college!
On another note, I'm dedicating a page in my senior scrapbook to all my underclassman friends. They got their copies of school pictures today so i'm stealing all their wallet sized for my page. I'm really excited about how this scrapbook will turn out...of course i'll need to finish my high school scrapbook before i can start my senior one but I'm getting there. Almost done with sophomore year. ;)
I'm nervous about thanksgiving break for some reason. There's alot happening in that one week. I don't know what I'm anxious about but for some reason I am.
Tomorrow is Friday, one of my favorite days. And for once I don't have to work. I'm trying to get people together for a movie but i'm not very good at that. so far, i have chase and kristina lined up but they'll go only if other cool people they know are going lol...so basically, i think i'll probably end up by myself on my couch tomorrow but at least i tried, right?

Sunshine Song? Yes please!

I have officially found a redeemable factor in working on Sundays.
I still don't like working on what's meant to be a day of rest but when I do have to, I've found a little joy in it.
A few weeks ago Marcy (my boss) threw this huge hissy fit about people getting to work before we open on the weekends (something I've always done but some people just can't seem to do). So I made sure to leave even earlier than usual, bringing with me a packed lunch to eat in the car since it messed with my lunch schedule. I got to the store parking lot and Marcy wasn't even there so instead of parking in my spot and waiting like a creeper, I drove down to the park just behind the store and had myself a little pick nick. It was so relaxing and such a nice day. So I've decided that I'll be doing that every Sunday that I have to work. I'll sit in my car when it's too cold or raining. But I enjoyed the nice day even if the park brought back memories I've been trying to repress. Not because they're bad or painful memories at all. Simply because it would make life so much harder to remember them.
Monday I got my acceptance letter to SU! It came in this wonderfully gold folder. It's so pretty and clean and wonderful, just how I expected it. Of course the first thing I did after I opened it and called everyone was go to the campus store website and order a buttload of merchandise! Part of my Christmas present :) So, it's safe to say that I'm officially a pirate! Such a good ring to it, huh? And I got scholarship money which of course my parents are happy about.
Tuesday two amazing things came out: Up, and Jason Mraz's Beautiful Mess. I haven't seen Up since the theaters and I want to watch it with my mom so I've been putting that one off but it's definitely sitting on my bed wishing I would put it in. But I did watch Jason. It's a dvd of his concert in Chicago but the funny thing is that it's the exact line up of songs that he played when he was here so it was like i was rewatching the concert I'd already attended. IT WAS AMAZING. I love him so much, you have no idea. He is such an incredible artist. If I ever met Jason Mraz, I would marry him on the spot, no questions asked...if he asked me. Such an awesome guy...
Wednesday has been good. We watched a few scenes from Grease in Bible today and I have definitely had the song stuck in my head ALL DAY. But it was nice to take a break from discussing to watch something that definitely isn't "faith west approved."
The week ahead?
Tomorrow mom and I are heading to Charming Charlie's after school...just because ;)
Friday...I don't have plans. I better end up doing something fun though.
Saturday I work all day and then I'm headed to the play off game. We're district champs and we beat beaumont and supposedly we'll beat these guys...STATE BOUND BABY!
Sunday...I think I work Sunday...which means the park!

Only eight more days until I see my best friend!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It was the best of times, It was the worst of times

My parents met a the bus stop in sixth grade. They dated my mom's freshman year through her senior year when my dad went off to college and they couldn't do long distance. They got back together my mom's sophomore year in college and a year after that they were married. They are best friends to this day, even if they don't act like it sometimes.

I've heard this story maybe twelve times since August 23. My mother, though she though me and Jeremy were much too serious, is convinced that he and I will get back together when I get to college. This is exactly the kind of thinking I have been avoiding for the past two months. How on earth am I supposed to completely get over him when I have this story and the obnoxious attitude of my mother's constantly shoved down my throat? It makes life so much more difficult when parents don't agree with their children's decisions. Of course, my parents support me but they don't agree with me. And I know they don't know everything that happened but when I'm used to following their every wish...well most every wish, it makes it very difficult to stand behind my personal decisions. Not to mention that there are times when I talk to Jer that I simply forget we're broken up or can't seem to remember why we did.

My life seems to get more and more confusing and blurred as this year progresses. I've learned so much about myself in such a short period of time. And I've seen a side to my family that I never knew existed. But more than anything, I've learned so much about my God. I've always known that He will never give me anything more than I can handle and this year has truly been a testament to that. And yet, I still feel so blessed.

My best friend in the entire world comes home in eleven days. While my life has been so randomly weird and, simply, off these past few months she has been one of my only constants and I can't tell you how grateful I am for her. I love you Katherine Anne :)

Mawige is what bwings us togever todayee

It's amazing the conversations that come up at school. You wouldn't believe some of the things these sheltered private school kids come up with. Granted, I'm one of them. But today I sort of stood out of all of it and looked at my friends who were so enthralled in what's being said and noticed for the first time in twelve years how ridiculous we look.
I want to know what will happen to me when I'm not in my private school bubble. I'm certainly not the innocent kid I was a few years ago and I'm most definitely "damaged goods" but the main thing is that I've never had to make new friends...not really. Everyone I know has known me for a long time and they all get me. What am I going to do when I'm surrounded by strangers? Which brings me to my next point. In bible class we're talking about marriage which of course gets me wondering who will I marry? When I was little I always saw myself marrying on of my friends from school, someone I would have known for forever and who would have been part of my childhood. Freshman year, I saw myself marrying someone like Jack, if not Jack. He's a great guy and I couldn't imagine being treated any better...until Jeremy came. And then from that point till two months ago I was convinced he was the one. But now, who's left? I see the boys at my school as brothers. How can I not? I've grown up with all of them. And I will not marry Jack...for many reasons. But that's not to say that he's not a great guy. And clearly, Jeremy's out of the picture. That only leaves someone I'll meet at school...But the thing is, Southwestern may be Methodist but I have a feeling that the majority of the students who go there don't care about faith. I may be wrong but that's just how it seems to me. So how am I supposed to find a good Christian guy who loves Jesus in a very liberal school in a very liberal part of the state? Ugh. I'm too young to be worrying about all this but I can't help that it's in the back of my mind...
I'm sorry for ranting so much. I looked back at some previous posts and realized that I sure do talk alot...Oh well :)

This Week

This week
has gone by SO slowly. Yesterday I woke up thinking it was today and that really threw me off. It's not like I have anything to look forward to this weekend it's just that this week keeps dragging on...
I've gotten two letters from Southwestern this week. Both of them were just informational letters about the application process and so forth. It's really annoying to come home and you're parents say that you've gotten a letter from the only school you've applied to and it's just stuff you already know...
Sunday is my mommy's birthday and all of my family is coming over to celebrate and play pictionary. I think it'll be nice.
Candice and Zach are in Ireland for the rest of the week. Lucky them. Not only did they marry the person of their dreams but they got to go to Ireland.

I can't wait to travel the world someday...

My list of international places I MUST visit:
1. Paris (again)
2. England
3. Ireland
4. Rome/all of Italy
5. Madrid/all of Spain
6. Greece
7. Australia
8. Japan
9. California
10. Germany
11. Mexico
12. Africa...I want to see the elephants :)

Weird Things Happen Every Day

Possibly the weirdest weekend ever.

Friday night-
The Thoroughly Modern Millie dinner theater was a huge success. We raised a ton of money and the scenes went...decently...Tech was amazing. They made the best stage for us..Really it was great. I got things worked out with Will and we're cool again but I totally lost trust in a few people which is really disappointing. But I did manage to gain Will's friendship back which was good.

Saturday-
Well, in all honesty, Saturday was just odd. I haven't had a Saturday off in months now so I actually got to sleep in and watch cartoons and eat breakfast with my family...That hasn't happened in so long...
Saturday night was the rehearsal dinner for my cousin's wedding and it was really nice. The rehearsal went smoothly except for my aunt who was crazier than normal and decided that instead of attending the rehearsal dinner, she and her husband Bobby were going to go out to eat with some of their friends. They left without saying a word to anyone and it really hacked everyone off but I think my parents were expecting her to do something like that. My parents' food was a hit but I should NEVER wait tables. It's just not my thing.



Sunday-
My cousin is now Mrs. Zach McNair. She was positively glowing. The whole wedding was absolutely perfect. And then I spent the rest of the day on the couch doing homework and watching pointless crap on tv. It was WONDERFUL





I've been reading for the past hour and I miss it. I haven't had time to sit down and read in so long...It's nice to relax..I guess I've forgotten the feeling.

I don't have much exciting going on this week. Rather, dull, actually. Saturday, we're celebrating my mom's birthday..but that's about it. Hoping to get an acceptance letter in the mail soon...

So over it

I'm over it.
all of it.
I ruin things so easily.
Tomorrow I begin day one of getting back on track.
Wish me luck, I'll need it.

Streaming by in blurs of color

four months from today I will officially be an adult.
High school has gone by so fast and I have the feeling that college will too. It's quite sad but I know it's true.
Today everyone had school pictures and, thankfully, seniors don't have to take them. Instead we get to wear hideous black things that make us look ridiculous. I'd much rather have Mr. Barker take my photo in the nursery of the main building like he has for the past eleven years, but no.
In other news, I got a B on my precal test. I haven't seen it yet so I don't know if I should be disappointed in myself or happy...We shall see.
William was really sweet to me today for the first time all year. I'd forgotten what that's like. He's making my life much harder than it has to be.
I found out something today about one of my friends. From their mouth too so I know it's true. You think you know someone...I'm just amazed sometimes about how in-genuine some people can be. It's quite disappointing.
Why can't everyone feel the way I do about honesty?

Mondays, I hate Mondays...Weekends, I look for the weekends!

One word: precal.
I actually have an a in the class right now but only because I've gone to math lab every day and worked my butt off. We have a test tomorrow and I feel like I should be doing more but I've completed my folder, corrected everything, and done every odd review question over the sections we're testing over tomorrow and checked them with the answers in the back of the book. I think I might actually know what I'm doing this time...Which is completely scaring me that I'm forgetting something. I'm asking everyone for prayers so if you're thinking about me anywhere from 10:45 to 11:35 tomorrow morning, PLEASE PRAY FOR ME. It's only by God's grace that I made a b in the nine weeks last term and I'd really really love to make an a or at least a high b for this term. If I can make an a on this test, I'll keep my 93.
I know my parents are proud of me no matter what but I was not happy with my report card. I got straight B's. It was mostly because I've been so focused on doing decently in precal that I've neglected my other subjects but I'd really REALLY like to get back to all A's. I know I can do better than this past nine weeks.
My dad said that my grades don't really matter any more and that I should stop worrying about them. I can't help it. I need the goal to get me through the rest of the school year.
No House tonight. Stupid baseball.

The Miracle of Life

I spent all day today with my favorite person in the entire world.
My niece is the sweetest six month old baby I've ever met. She is nothing but smiles and squeals and love and she is such a blessing to me. It was so good to spend so much time with her and Jenn said that she's never seen Ainsley so relaxed with anyone besides her and Shawn before. I'm so in love with those chubby little cheeks and bright blue eyes! She puts me in such a good mood and I just love being around her. We got to feed her twice today and she and I went for a walk. Literally, I could spend every day with her and not be sick of it.

She started to crawl today and then I think got a little weirded out by it and stopped but it'll probably happen sometime this week. Jenn said she's turning into a little toddler, she's getting so active. It's so amazing watching her grow up. God really does know what He's doing and so many times we forget that. Being the youngest, Ainsley is my first experience witnessing the miracle of life and I can't begin to explain what an honor and blessing it's been. I'm thrilled that I get to be in her life, every step of the way, watching and helping and loving.
Seriously, everyone needs this in their life. It's truly humbling and such a "God-thing."

Senioritis

My best friend came to visit me this weekend! :)
We made freaking awesome shirts for the premiere of New Moon in less than a month and did our usual best friend activities. I love her lots :)
Marin is convinced that I "like-like" Will, which I don't, and wants to tell him. Or wants me to tell him. I'm not ready for any of that yet. Thinking about it all makes me feel sick. No one will or can replace Jeremy and that's essentially what the girls at school want me to do. They're tired of me bringing him up and they're all convinced that the best way to get over a guy is to find a new one. I don't want a new one, it's just that Jeremy was my best friend for two years, not to mention he's my go to guy when I have a question about something entirely random. Needless to say, he comes up alot. They're gunna have to get over it.
Work today was so ridiculous. Marcy almost fired JP because he came in late and then proceeded to take it out on all of us. She was in a terrible mood all day and was just horrible, even to her favorite, Danielle. Shelby went on a "day trip" to Monroe and Marcy thinks she's not going to show up to work tomorrow. If she doesn't, Marcy wants to "talk to her" if not fire her...Glad I'm not working tomorrow!
Speaking of which, I get tomorrow off which means I get to hang out with my beautiful niece/goddaughter ALL DAY! I'm so excited! She is the most adorable thing ever!
I can't wait until Christmas break. I'm only one week into this quarter and I'm so ready for it to be over. Senioritis much?

Fairy Tale, Smairy Fail

I don't know what I'm doing.
I think I do, but I don't.
I think so often we decide we can fight our own battles alone when we really need help. I'm tired of fighting alone.

I'm in one of those moods where I wish I could will things into existence. I wish they would talk to me, I wish I were accepted to SU already, I wish life were easier...

But if life were easier, there would be no point.

More than anything, I just want to go to college, find a man who will love me and not stop loving me, travel the world, and live happily ever after.
Do fairy tales exist only to dangle dreams in front of girls and then yank them away?
Paramore: Brick by brick lyrics

Well she lives in the fairy tale
Somewhere too far for us to find
Forgotten the taste and smell
Of a world that she's left behind
It's all about the exposure the lens I told her

The angles are all wrong now
She's ripping wings off of butterflies
Keep your feet on the ground
When your head's in the clouds

Well go get your shovel
And we'll dig a deep hole
To bury the castle, bury the castle
Go get your shovel
And we'll dig a deep hole
To bury the castle, bury the castle
Ba da ba ba da ba ba da

So one day he found her crying
Coiled up on the dirty ground
Her prince finally came to save her
And the rest you can figure out
But it was a trick
And the clock struck 12

Well make sure to build your home brick by boring brick
or the wolf's gonna blow it down
Keep your feet on the ground
When your head's in the clouds

Well go get your shovel
And we'll dig a deep hole
To bury the castle, bury the castle
Go get your shovel
And we'll dig a deep hole
To bury the castle, bury the castle
Woah, woah.

Well you built up a world of magic
Because your real life is tragic
Yeah you built up a world of magic

If it's not real
You can't hold it in your hand
You can't feel it with your heart
And I won't believe it

But if it's true
You can see it with your eyes
Or even in the dark
And that's where I want to be, yeah

Go get your shovel
And we'll dig a deep hole
To bury the castle, bury the castle
Go get your shovel
And we'll dig a deep hole
To bury the castle, bury the castle
Ba da ba ba da ba ba da...

Celebration, Pitty Parties, and Self Control

I got a B in precal! Don't know how I managed it, but I have an 81 on my report card! All I know is that it was totally God and not me. I know I couldn't have done that on my own...
Also, Best Friend is coming home on Friday to make t shirts for the New Moon midnight premier!! Get excited! I want to reread the book but since New Moon is the most sad of the four and considering what happened two months ago, it may not be the best idea. Hysterics probably wouldn't be convenient.
There's not much else to report except that I can't tell you enough how amazing paramore's cd is.
Also, William is slowly being erased from my list. It was never a list but that's the only metaphor I could think of while running on this much sleep. (long night studying for apgov test) It's not that I like him it's that I could like him but I know that it wouldn't be fair to either of us for me to be that way and I think for the first time in almost 18 years now I'm beginning to control myself. Hopefully. No more falling blindly. Look how that turned out.
I miss having someone to talk to that wanted to talk to me back. That part was nice. And having someone to take care of too.
Ok. I need to stop.
The End.
Also, Ainsley is six months old today!!!

Make it stop

This weekend has been pretty crappy even though I had Friday off.
Actually, Friday was my only decent day. I got to sleep in, spend the day with my niece, and goof off until work. And then I came home and watched a Pride and Prejudice twice in a row on Oxygen and sent quotes via text to Katie. Wow, I have no life.
Saturday was where things went wrong.
First of all, Marcy asked me to come in an hour early. I normally don't mind coming in early but an hour just to restock a hand full of items and windex the counters. So I didn't have much to do the majority of that hour. Then I worked for eight more hours while the store was actually open. By closing time, I was absolutely exhausted. Not to mention the drama with my friends. And yes, I can say friends now. It was a very overwhelming day. When I got home, I tried for two hours to turn our front tv on because I knew that the second my parents got home, they'd kick me out of their room. It never did turn on. We have to call a repair guy this week. I hope my parents know I'll be watching House in their room tomorrow, no matter what. So anyway, out of shear frustration and confusion I spent most of those two hours crying on the couch. It was pathetic. But then Will called and we talked for a bit and he made life better. Then he went and got into a car wreck and the Shiny Silver Volvo might be totaled. That's too bad. I liked knowing a shiny silver Volvo owner. It made me feel like Bella Swan. Will's ok though which is what matters.
So as you can imagine, I was exhausted all day today. I even showed up late to work, I was so groggy when I woke up, I didn't even pay attention to the time most of the morning. But when I got home, there was Ainsley. I am so in love with my baby niece! She is the cutest thing in the entire world and I know I say that every time I mention her but she really is! She's starting to crawl! AND we can put clips in her hair now! It's the most amazing thing to make her laugh or smile.
I've been asked out for the fourth time by the same guy. I don't think he understands that I'm not dating for a year even though I've said it several times. If he asks again, I swear I'll throw up. I hate saying no but I honestly don't want to go out with him.
HELP ME

Turn it off

too many emotions and things and...it's all just too much.
i don't know what happened. i'm so lost.
why are you doing this now?

and the worst part is before it gets any better we're headed for a cliff and in the free fall i will realize I'm better off when I hit the bottom-paramore, turn it off

What I learned today

So here's what I learned today:
1. I can do pre cal but not algebra
2. I can throw a mean punch to the stomach and enjoy it but...
3. I can't run faster than Will
4. Oakley's look amazing on me
5. Marcy wishes I were her daughter
6. Certain people look better in a Best Buy uniform than others
7. The rules of Sprite Pong (the private school version of beer pong)
8. Haley is an AMAZING fake cryer
9. I should NEVER try to drive to Marin's at night
10. I belong to the weirdest senior class EVER

Christmas in NY?!?!?!

Today has been a really good day! :)
Everyone had PSATs today so seniors didn't have to come to school till noon and then we just goofed off the rest of the day. I stayed for math lab because we have a quiz tomorrow and I'm a bit confused but I think I got it...hopefully.
After school I went out to my car and W and Chase and Kristina were chillin out there so I joined them and then returned something to the office with W who proceeded to send a text to C saying "i just want to be friends and i'm not attracted to you so leave me alone."
Don't worry.
I hit him.
We're going to New York for Christmas!
Well, not for Christmas. Every year my parents take me and my Best Friend on a trip during Christmas break and this year it's pretty much decided that we're going to New York! Which means I get to be there while the Rockefeller Christmas tree is up!!!! You have no idea how excited I am!!!!! And my dad asked for a list of shows that should we go to NY, I would want to see!!!
AND Glee comes on tonight!
Man, Wednesday's are the best.

Modern Day Jonah

I think I lost my head this week. To think that I even had a chance with that guy is ridiculous. I lost sight of my goal already and I've only been single for two months now, what the heck was I thinking? Can I not have guy friends without thinking it's something more?
My life is a mess. God, come help me clean!!!
I think I just keep loosing sight of God. I get close, and then back up, get close and back up. Maybe that's normal. After all, I'm a sinner and sin separates us from God's love. Or maybe I'm just a huge idiot.
According to my Pre Cal grade, it's the second one.
I cried in class again today. That makes three classes in a row.
I want to back up time to a certain part of Saturday night and stay there.
Or I just want to go to an all girls school and become a nun. I think I'll do that.
C won't leave me alone. STILL.
And W is either in a bad mood, or is repelled. I wouldn't be surprised by either. I'm giving up for a week.
If I guy wants me, he'll act like he wants me. I'm glad I read He's just NOT that into you. I didn't think any of it would ever apply to me. I thought I would never have to date again. Yet, here I am.
I can't wait till Best Friend comes home! She can't even spend the night but I'll just be happy to hang with her! I need a constant in my life.
More and more today I realized how often I try to back away from what God wants me to do. And then He shows me that I'm not doing what He wants and I try to follow His path and then just end up like Jonah.
Where's my fish?

Pre Caculus is the spawn of satan and should die a dark, lonley death in the firey pits of the darkest circles of hell

This week I will be receiving my first c on a report card ever. that's what i get for driving away my handy dandy tutor. I broke the rules today and asked him for a recipe but i doubt he'll answer. I just need to know that he's ok. Also, I miss his yummy delicious burritos.
Pre Cal is kicking my butt. So not only will I have a c at the end of this quarter, I won't have any a's. Of course, the c will count as a b and the b's will count as a's GPA wise but still. It's a total blow to my confidence. And it ruins my chances of high honor roll for four consecutive years. And I think it blows my chances of honor roll too...great. I freaking HATE math!!!!!!!!!
The thing is, I'm going to go to college and get a BA in something that only requires two semesters of college algebra and then I will NEVER touch higher level mathematics again! WHY ON EARTH IS PRE CALCULUS NECESSARY!?!?!?! UGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!
ok i'm done venting.
meanwhile i'm pretty sure my HC date, Christian, likes me. And this other kid, Will, the one who saved my night. The thing is, I'm not ok with Christian liking me but I am ok with Will. Don't get me wrong, I'm not dating till college. It won't happen. It's not fair to any guy I could be interested in if I'm still hung up on Jeremy. Which I'm still trying to get over. But until that day comes, no boys.
ANYWAYS, that's my life. Not to mention the three projects and two tests I have this week. And i work thursday through tuesday. whoopeeyyyyy.

I'm finishing Issiah this week. Any thoughts on what book I should start next?

Silver Screen

Silver Screen
by Jackie Steen

I wish we could fly away on a cloud,
Take the best of my days and record them somehow
Play back time on the silver screen
To watch and to never forget

I wish I could say how I feel,
Lay out my words like a film reel,
Play out time on the silver screen,
To watch and to never forget

I wish I knew who you are,
To tell me how things are so far
Play out time on the silver screen
To watch and to never forget

I wish we had a future together,
Not some fling that could change like the weather
Play out time on the silver screen
To watch and to never forget

I wish I could know what you'll say,
Wait by the mailbox day after day
Play out time on the silver screen
To watch and to never forget

I wish I knew you felt the same,
Luck says you don't remember my name
Play out time on the silver screen
To watch and to never forget

I wish a lot of silly things
Only God knows what's on my heart strings
Play out time on the silver screen
To watch and never forget

Senior Homecoming 2009

It was a great night! I was really hesitant about the group but it turned out really perfect which was a total blessing.
We met at Joey's at six for pictures and everyone showed up on time! It was a miracle!! Except that the weather was like England, the pictures turned out really pretty. (all posted on Facebook, of course!)
From Joey's we caravan-ed over to chili's where we goofed off for 45 minutes while waiting for our "reserved" table that they forgot about. It was a bit chilly but we made some REALLY good "that's what she said" jokes to pass the time! :) Christian was a total gentleman, opening doors and pulling out my chair and everything. He was really sweet.
From chili's we went to the dance where we were the first seniors there amongst a whole bunch of freshman but it was still fun. Pretty soon, everyone showed up so it's not like we were alone anyways.
At the dance, Christian was really clingy and wouldn't leave me. He was sweet as could be I just couldn't seem to get away, he'd follow me everywhere. But he and Andy got along REALLY well so at some point they went off dancing and I went with the girls until he found me again. Will saved my night by asking me to dance and taking me away because we "needed to talk" but we just talked about school and stuff. I don't think he realizes what a help he was. Not that I don't think Christian is wonderful. He's a great guy I just needed space.
Everyone was beautiful. It's not a night I will easily forget, that's for sure!
Again, pictures on facebook!

Pictures!

Homecoming pictures are posted on facebook! Just from last night (the game) and the rest of the week though. Dance pictures will be posted tomorrow morning as I will be going to the Senior Class after party tonight! WHOOP!
And if you're not my friend on facebook...well, sucks for you. Also, why are you reading this?

Stop kidding yourself and face the facts

I miss him.
alot.

It doesn't matter what he did to me or what he said or how many times i try to convince myself i'm better off without him. The truth behind everything is that i miss him like crazy and i hate trying to convince myself otherwise. I can't lie to myself when i know the truth.

Tonight's the game and tomorrow's the dance. I'm gunna go out there and put on my biggest smile and act like it's the best weekend of my life. And it probably will be up there. But it won't be nearly the same with the memories I have of last year and the year before.

i hate this.

New blog

Also, I set up another blog for college; something my parents can see and be kept informed with what i want to tell them :) haha

www.collegelife27.blogspot.com

BECOME A FOLLOWER!

Turtles are Overrated.

Life's good. Just sayin.
Last night I had this really intense moment with my Jesus. He's all I need and I don't know why so often that's not good enough for me. But I'm determined to keep my eyes on him this year because I know that He knows the desires of my heart and He's the only one that can make them possible. I feel like I'm turning over a new leaf in my life and starting anew.

MY GOD IS SOOOO GREAT

even when I don't deserve it He still blesses me like crazy.

On another note, if you have ten bucks laying around, Paramore's new album is classic. LOVE them.

Also, Carolyn managed to make business casual into jeans and a teeshirt today. She wins at life.

It's been too long...

It's been a long time, I know. School is crazy, as it is every year. I don't think teachers realize that we have other classes besides theirs. And on top of other classes we have lives and college crap to deal with. But I have time to write now so I think I will :)
I'm good, thanks for asking! Well, my allergies are killing me again this year but I've managed to keep breathing which is a complete upgrade from last year. My voice has been going in and out though which might be a sign that my vocal cords are deciding to hate me again. we'll see...
Homecoming is this week and I'm crazy excited! I have the most beautiful dress and I asked Christian so I know I'll have fun! We're going with Joey and Shealynn and hopefully a whole bunch of other people so that'll be great :) I just don't want to eat at iHop which is where Joey wants to go. I'm going with Chili's I think! This week will be amazing. The only bad thing is that I have a pre cal test Wednesday but other than that, I'm livin it up!
I've spent so much more time hanging out with friends than I have since junior high. It feels nice to be able to spend time with people besides my parents and family.
Speaking of which, Ainsley is the most adorable thing ever made! She grows more and more every time I see her and she's continuously laughing and smiling and giggling. She is such a joy in my life and I'm so glad to have her during this time.
Also, I've officially sent in my application to Southwestern University. It is now out of my hands and into the admissions' people's. and God's of course. I have no doubt that I'll get in and if I don't, it'll be a surprise. My grades and scores are good enough. They just have to like me and I sincerely hope they will. I'm extatic about being a Pirate! and Chase got accepted to Concordia in Austin so I'll have a friend nearby which is a total relief.
As for Jeremy? We aren't talking. About a week ago, we decided it'd be better for both of us not to talk for at least a year. Well, i decided that because he wasn't talking to me so I said maybe when I get up there and he never responded. I hope he's doing well.
I've thought of half a dozen things that I'd like to tell him and it's hard to refrane but knowing that he doesn't care and wouldn't answer me anyways helps to resist texting or messaging him. Honestly, I do feel better without him but it still SUCKS butt being single. I'll get over it though.
If I learn anything this year it's that I don't need a guy to complete me.

New Found Freedom

I've come a long way in just two weeks. And I'm happy I have. I feel free. Like the world is my oyster and I'm not being held down. It'll be a good thing to start college without a boyfriend. I still HATE being single but right now, it's refreshing. Homecoming is in just over a month and I'm not looking forward to that fiasco. Well, I am. It's Senior year after all. But who I'll go with, I don't know. Probably Claire and Marin. Hopefully.
Today should have been our 27 month anniversary. I should be in bed in the fetal position but I've been good. I'm considering that maybe I felt the same way he did but I just didn't know it. For the longest time I was convinced I couldn't live without him but maybe I always knew I could.
God certainly has interesting timing and just as I knew I'd come to find something good in his recent timing, I did. I will not have dated a single day in senior year. Boys are off limits until I find someone who is looking for marriage and who is looking for me. And I refuse to consider anyone who does not pursue me first. (Wise advice via Katheryn M.) I'm going to make this year great. No one will hold me back.
In other news, Gary Bentz has throat cancer and my parents' two week tour of the States may be canceled. We'll see. My parents are pretty shaken up though.
Also, I miss Ainsley like nobody's business! Last time I saw her, she had HAIR! dark, thick, short hair! I can't wait to meet her and get to know her. She's sooooo adorable.
Before I go, I must share with you, my readers, whoever you are, my theme song for the week. It's been in my head since Friday and it fits perfectly to my life right now. Welcome to the world of Thoroughly Modern Millie.

No canary in a tree for me
This canary's ready to fly free

Cut the cord
Is that a man I once adored?
He's nothing but an albatross
No great loss
Doublecrosser
Forget about the boy
Pull the plug
Ain't he the one who pulled the rug
He's lower than an alley cat
Dirty rat
And I flatter
Forget about the boy
Forget about the boy
Forget about the boy

And in the moonlight
Don't you think about him
Sister, you're much better off without him
You can blow the blues a kiss goodbye
And put the sun back in the sky
For when he comes crawlin'
I'm not fallin'

Shout hooray and halleluh!
Now me and mister wrong are through
I'll find myself another beau
Who I know is no rover
Forget about the boy

Forget about the boy

Revelation

I came to a startling revelation today at work. I don't want Jeremy back. I thought I did. I thought he was the best there was. But in truth, he was never as perfect as I made him. Talking to him today, I was humbled by his unfriendliness. I know he wasn't trying to be unfriendly but that's how he came off. Today confirmed, officially, I did the right thing. I can look at pictures and not feel pain, say his name and not feel anything. I'm not over him. That will take time. I'm still attached to him. He was too much a part of my life to just throw away immediately. Not that I will ever "throw him away." He will always have a special place in my heart. But today I realized that I'm better off without him. That, as much as I HATE being single, I know that taking him back now would just be to have a boyfriend, not because I want him back.

I don't know what God has planned for the future. And that scares the crap out of me. But I know that He has someone amazing planned for me. Someone who will take care of me and love me and want me forever. I hate not knowing who and when but I know it'll happen. I know I deserve better than someone who was unhappy to be with me and I know that I need someone who will keep my focus on Christ and not on him.

Maybe someday Jeremy and I will have a future again. But I doubt it. And I'm ok with that. Because I know there's someone better, as hard as it is to imagine.

The future is scary. But I have God on my side. I know He'll get me through anything.

"There's been a change in me
A kind of moving on
Though what I used to be
I still depend on
For now I realize
That good can come from bad
That may not make me wise
But oh it makes me glad"

Beauty and the Beast (Broadway)

Week Update

failing pre-cal + heavy work week + tons of homework + an exboyfriend who practically hates me and i don't understand why = STRESS

I've been exhausted all week. I have had sooo much stupid-butt homework assigned this week, it's not even funny. They're basically sending home busywork and pointless reading assignments. Not to mention I have to write a paper in Bible! What the heck!?
Work's been either REALLY busy or REALLY boring. Basically from now until Christmas, I'll be working in the back which I'm totally fine with. I only mess up at work when I'm interacting with customers. They intimidate me...or maybe it's just that my boss watching over my shoulder after over a year intimidates me. Either way, the back is where I belong. I'm the fastest organizer/finder of homes for new toys at Learning Express Katy. But today we got 45 boxes which doesn't sound like that much but trust me, when there's, like, a dozen things in each box, it all adds up. When I worked on Tuesday, we had gotten 75 boxes and it took me most of my shift to finish. We'll only receive more until Christmas.
My boss made us fill out a test/questionnaire type thing on the September catalog. That was intense. It was three pages of how to sell the new products along with the items that haven't been selling well. My boss is going to read them tonight and basically grade them. It just felt like more busywork to me.
Tomorrow is Friday and Friday's are my new favorite days. They are the last day of the school week so you can see the light of the weekend ahead but you're still hanging out with all your friends. Not to mention that Seniors (CLASS OF 10) get to wear jeans on Fridays AND go off campus for lunch! I know, it sounds silly to be excited about wearing jeans to school but when you've been in ill fitting uniforms for 11 years, jeans once a week feels AMAZING.
I'm still coping with losing him. It's hard to say his name both out loud and in my head. Not physically hard but more that I don't say it because it'll send waves of unpleasant memories and knowledge through me. I'm getting better every day. The most painful thing is that I can't let go until I know what I did to make him not want me anymore. So we've been talking, me trying to get into his head. He's hard to understand sometimes in the first place but when he's someone I don't even know, it's harder. I just don't understand how he could change so drastically and so against his character SO SUDDENLY. That's what's confusing. That's what's making everything so hard. It's not like the boy I knew to love me one second and then have no feelings for me whatsoever the next. He was the one that took forever to tell me he loved me because he wanted to make sure that's really what he felt. And then all the sudden it's gone? That just doesn't happen. And that just doesn't happen to him.
I want him back. But not the boy that I broke up with. The boy I fell in love with to begin with. I know he doesn't feel the same but part of me believes that I can show him he's wrong. That I can change his mind. That everyday without me, he's one step closer to coming back to me. But I try not to allow myself to think those things. I know that I can't hope him back into my life. I know that he doesn't feel that way about me and probably never will. But that hope is still there. I can't help it.
Until next time

Must Have:

So while I'm certainly no where near ready to be in another relationship just yet, I've given a lot of thought to what i should look for in the future. Here is my list so far:
1. Loves Jesus more than he loves me
2. Loves Me alot
3. Can make me laugh very easily
4. Is proud to be with me (aka shows me off)
5. Gets along with my Daddy

Ideally he:
1. has dimples
2. is ridiculously smart
3. is really cheesy and dorky
4. has beautiful eyes
5. can dance and can teach me how

if you know anyone who fits that perfectly, let me know. I'm open.

Week Overview

Needless to say, my first week of senior year was crap. I got a zero on a math quiz. Didn't get a thing right. That class will kill me. I HATE my Spanish 3 class. And I definitely only got two lines in this year's musical. And despite how much I'm hating school, I hate home so much worse. Everywhere I go in my house I have memories of me and Jeremy. I finished cleaning my room out today. There is no evidence I ever dated him except for the two pictures I have decided to keep framed (one from Homecoming and one from Prom) and the portrait I had done of us in Paris and had custom framed for wayyy too much money because I was stupidly convinced we would be together forever. Aside from the pile of his crap that he will have to come get because it'll be too much to mail and the things i just mentioned, it's like he never existed. I just wish I could clean my memory like I cleaned my room.

It's still killing me but I'm trying my hardest to be angry or distracted or something so that I can return to being numb. Meanwhile I've been nausieated since last Sunday and haven't slept more than 20 hours this week.

I started talking to Jack Strickland (My only other Ex) about a month before Jer and I broke up. Not in any sort of romantic sense but asking for advice on how to deal with Jer's departure from our relationship. While Jack made some big mistakes two years ago, he's grown up alot and has really helpful, Godly advice. As funny as it may sound, he's helped me the most out of anyone. It's crazy how God puts people in your life for a reason and when you think they've had their phase in your life, He brings them back. I'm incredibly thankful to have Jack in my life right now.

The only positive thing in my week was seeing Wicked in Austin on Wednesday night and even that wasn't entirely pain free. First of all, Austin in itself makes me think his name. Not to mention that the extra ticket was originally his. But there were two things that really got me. First, the song "As Long as You're Mine" was my ring tone for him for over a year. I was practically hyperventalating to the point of my mom asking me if i needed to step out for a bit. I couldn't even look up to watch it. The love and devotion Fieyero and Elphaba have for each other was something I always thought Jer and I had and watching it made me cry and feel sick at the same time. Not a good combo. Second was when we stopped for gas on our way home, the ladies went to the restroom. Well there were these really scary black guys that basically followed us around the station and in our car and stuff and I just kept wishing that Jer would have been there to protect me. But now that I think about it, he probably wouldn't have.

I just look forward to the day that Jeremy will either see what an idiot he's been and ask for me to take him back or for the day that I move on and it doesn't hurt anymore. Either one would be better than this suffering.

Last First Day

So my first day of senior year was definitely interesting. I got a few "I missed you's," a few "how was Paris's" but mostly "WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU AND YOUR BOYFRIEND?!?!'s." That was the most difficult part of my day. The timing for everything was horrible. Or at least that's how I see things now; I'm sure that'll change. I know God's timing is perfect but I honestly don't see why he had to let this happen the day before school started. Most of my binders had pictures of him on them not to mention everything that i had put in my locker last thursday at orientation. I had to find someone else to go to Wicked with me and my parents. I invited my "little sister" at school and she's REALLY excited but I know that this wednesday will only make me think of who I was supposed to be with. I see all these pictures around my room that were supposed to be flipped upside down or in a box and and I can think about is how much I miss him. I know I did the right thing but what the heck am I supposed to do now? He was so much apart of my life that I have no idea where to go or what to do. The only texts I have in my phone is the conversation I've had between us since Saturday. I asked if he still wanted to marry me and he said yes. I think that's the worst part of this whole process. Knowing that he lied. I don't know if he really still loved me to the very end but that he kept telling me he did just makes everything worse. I want to sleep till this is over but I don't want this to be over because then I will have lost him after I have already lost him. It's weird knowing that as much as I want this all to be a dream, it's very real. all I have to do is check facebook and see that he's not there. I so want him to be there...but as the knight in shining armor that he was...not the jerk he was yesterday.

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the likeness of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brothers. And those he predestined, he also called; those he called, he also justified; those he justified, he also glorified. What, then, shall we say in response to this? If God is for us, who can be against us?

An End and A Start

I lost my best friend today. I don't know why God has made this happen but it has. I'm surprisingly calm which really scares me. I know there will be a break down eventually but with school starting in just hours I'm worried about when it will happen. I know I made the right decision. I know I deserve more than what he can give. But when you're with someone for 2 and 1/4 years, being separated from them is the worst feeling in the world. I feel like I've lost a piece of myself that I'll never get back. I defined myself as part of him for so long that now that he's gone I don't really like myself that much anymore because he's not part of me. I have to keep telling myself I'm ok because I really am but then I'm not at the same time. I think I'm dreaming but I'm not...He was just there laughing and being a total dork and then we were in his car talking and he was practically crying and he got his stuff and left...
I had to go through all my picture frames and albums and binders and shelves and drawers and take everything that was his or mine or ours and put it in this box i had of all of our homemade christmas ornaments and trinkets and tickets to things we'd done and now my room feels devoid of life even though it's totally the coolest room in the house. I have a pile of his stuff that i didn't think to give back when he was here just laying on the floor by my bed. His wonderful hockey blanket among it all. I will miss that blanket. If I remember hard enough, it still smells like him.
This has changed so many things. Senior year just doesn't appeal to me any more. I've never been asked to a dance before but considering that I've known all the guys at my school since first grade, I don't think this will be my lucky year. And I'm now dreading college more than ever. I just had to fall in love with a school that was half an hour away from him.
I feel like a mess but I'm really the most put together I've been in a long time. I haven't been single in years now and I know I won't like it but I have to see this all as a new chapter of life. Becuase if I don't I know I'll crash and burn. He was my everything and I based too much of myself on him. I know not to do that now. I'm going to pick up all my pieces, put myself together and see what God has in store for me. Because that's all I can do. It just sucks like no other.

My Dedication to Ainsley

My darling niece, Ainsley, came with us to the beach and is most definitely the cutest thing ever! After having her around nonstop for five days, I miss her tons! She's very quiet and almost never cries and is growing soooo much! She's almost five months now and can not only roll over like crazy but is scooting herself all over the place! We had to pick her up and put her back on her blanket several times because she kept pulling herself forward! She's laughing now and I don't think I've ever heard a laugh so cute. Jenn said that she'll start teething soon and you can tell from the video that she VERY much likes "chewing" on things...I would call it sucking but it really isn't sucking any more. I do feel kind of bad for her though. With Jenn's surprise pregnancy, Ainsley will have to grow up alot faster than she probably should. I don't think she'll get to enjoy being a baby for as long as she should but even with the new baby here I'm sure she'll still be in the spot light because by then she'll be trying to walk and talk and hopfully she'll even have some hair! I'm honored to be her godmother and I really can't wait to see her all grown up and I especially can't wait to meet her and get to know her and learn all about what she likes and her friends and see her grow up. I never thought being an aunt could be so much fun!

Senior Year

I feel like my life is whirling past me in streaks of color and I can't quite find the breaks. My first day of Freshman year feels like yesterday and in two days I start Senior year. While I am excited as all get out (one of my mom's sayings) I just want to enjoy my time with my family and friends. It's weird to think that I only have one more year left at home. I redid my room a year ago and I'll have to leave it in a year. The luxury I have being the only child left at home is something that I'll really miss. My dad's "keep the change" policy and the fact that there is almost always food at home are two things I definitely wouldn't mind bringing with me. I'm excited for college but not about making new friends. I don't have any memories of changing schools because I only did it once and that was a long time ago. Twelve years with the same friends makes meeting new people extremely intimidating and nerve racking. I'm sure my feelings about all this will change as the year goes on but as of now, I'm very ready for a slow, peaceful year to enjoy and say goodbye. Faith West Academy Class of 2010.

Parenting Issue Numero Uno

As I've said before, my parents may be a handful but they are really great. They've instilled in me, what I believe, to be the proper morals, values, and life lessons to prepare me for the real world in a year. I love them dearly but they have and do make mistakes raising me and my sisters. As a teenager, I (of course) have a list of things I will NEVER do to my children that my parents did to me (substitute teaching at my school, making decisions and judgments without hearing me out first, being overbearing). I also have a list of things that I LOVE that they did and hope to do with my children. But this particular blog concerns a particular issue I have with a particular aspect of how my parents raised me.

Let me start by saying that my mom (and her twin sister) were adopted by my grandparents as babies and have never even attempted to reach their birth parents because, in all honesty, they had no reason to. If these people really wanted to find their two beautiful daughters, they would have done it by now but since it's been 52 years without contact, there really haven't been any issues. My dad is either the oldest or youngest of, I believe, four. (For reasons private (unpublishable) we don't keep in contact with my father's family and so I only have limited knowledge of that area.) So when my parents decided to have kids, the genetic makeup would be sort of a surprise since we had no clue of my mother's family background. On the other hand, the women in my dad's family were said to be very pretty. So when my sisters were born they were, of course, adorable and grew to be extremely pretty, strong, Godly women. When I was born ten years after my oldest sister, I looked like any other baby only unlike my sisters who had straight hair and no hair at all (Jessy's came in around 2 1/2) I had strawberry blonde ringlets all over my head.

Growing up, my parents told me I was special, that I was gorgeous. This is something any little girl would LOVE to hear and, I did. My mother used to always say, "don't let this whole beauty thing go to your head" and I was careful to walk in humility. When I started school I specifically remember my parents telling me I was the prettiest in my class which seemed normal...I mean, all parents are bias, right? By that age, I was getting comments like, "Oh my goodness, are you a model?" and my parents were getting asked if they would let me be in photo shoots and such. Being the good parents that they are, they knew better than to raise a child star and quickly shot those offers down. Needless to say, humility was getting to be a pretty hard walk.

I've made it a point in my life to never once have the attitude of "Oh, well, I'm prettier than her anyways" and I always try to see God in everyone. I don't like stuck up girls because they get annoying to be around and I certainly don't want to be like that. But when it's been drilled into my head for seventeen years now that I have the body to model, hair any girl would die for, big eyes, and a wide smile it's hard to eat that slice of humble pie. Now I'm certainly not saying that I'm in love with myself. In no way do I see myself like that. What I am saying is that I see why I've gotten the comments I've gotten but I still have insecurities about my looks. My hair is way to frizzy, my nose looks huge when I'm not looking at someone straight on, I have no butt. And I'm learning to be okay with these things.

The reason I wouldn't want to do this to my kids isn't just because it's hard to stay humble. What's harder than that is to look in the mirror and know that the same beauty everyone sees now only has a few years left and accept that. It's scary to me to know that someday the only thing I'll have to rely on is inner beauty (which I know is much more important anyways) and being myself. I don't want that same fear for my children. Inner beauty is what counts, no matter how you look on the outside. It's what will be left behind in the end and what your eternity will be based on. I will tell my children they are beautiful, beautiful in the eyes of the Lord. Because that is what counts.

Proverbs 31:30-31
Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised. Give her the reward she has earned, and let her works bring her praise at the city gate.

My So-Called "Bucket List"

Things to do before I die:
1. See either Wicked or Phantom of the Opera from a front and center seat
2. Go to New York for the Rockefeller Center Christmas tree/New Year's eve ball drop
3. Own the Tiffany's ring I've had my eye on for YEARS now
4. Bring someone to know my precious King of a father, Jesus Christ
5. Have a wheel chair race with Katie in our nursing home
6. See every Broadway show on my list
7. Find a way onto What Not to Wear just for the 5,000 dollars for the new wardrobe, new shoes, new haircut, and amazing make up...and to meet Clinton and Stacy, of course

Freindship

I have two best friends and they mean the world to me. Some days I feel as though I love them the most because compared to my family (who can be quite challenging) they are sane and more importantly, they keep me sane. The Bible is always stressing the importance of surrounding oneself with people who love God and who will be a good influence for your life. Well I'm certain I've hit the jackpot on that one!

My best friend Katie and I have been friends for nearing four years now. It's perfectly clear that God put her in my life because she's absolutely the perfect best friend for me and she came at the perfect time in my life. High school is a difficult time for everybody but most people who come out alive, can thank a group or maybe just one person for their survival. My thanks go to Katherine Anne. She brings out the best and the worst in me and I couldn't be more grateful for that. She's basically my sister (although her mother wouldn't like to hear that so much; she'd think Katie was abandoning her family, poor Mrs. Lisa...). For better or worse, I can count that Katie will always be there for me with a box of Oreo's, a garden hose, lots of impending laughs and...YOUR MOM.

Jeremy didn't actually start out as a friend...more like an acquaintance. We met at church about two years ago and I'm not quite sure what actually happened but we started dating a few weeks later and haven't stopped! Now, he's my best friend and the best boyfriend a girl could hope for. The terms "knight in shinning armor" and "prince charming" don't come close. While we've had our ups and downs over these two incredible years, we've been able to work it out and that's what loving relationships are all about anyways, right? I couldn't imagine living without him in my life in some form or another. I just happened to get lucky enough for him to call me his girlfriend. Jeremy is wise beyond his years and has patiently held my hand through a lot of crazy stuff. (Katie has as well but of course in different ways). While we're currently living on a "don't-know-when-I'll-see-you-again" basis, we've managed to work out the long distance relationship thing. I can't wait to see what God has in store for our relationship and I'm so thankful He put us together!

A man of many companions may come to ruin,
but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother.
Proverbs 18:24

Family Time

For me, my faith in my Savior wouldn't even have occurred without my family. My parents raised me in church and stuck me in a private school as soon as they possibly could. And I wouldn't have it any other way. I know that my family will always love me, support me, welcome me, and comfort me whenever I need it. Although we are certainly not the perfect family, we make do. Let me tell you a little about who raised me. I was born on February 27th to Gary and Kandy Steen. I have two wonderful older sisters, one 10 years older (Jenn) and the other 9 years older (Jessy). Both my parents are amazing gourmet cooks with Harley's and both of my sisters are very artistic though each has her own style. My eldest sister Jennifer is married to Shawn for about three years now and they just had their first baby, Ainsley. My other sister Jessy is married to Ian, the Honduran. I've always looked up to both of my sisters; they are like much cooler other mothers to me and I love them both very much. Jenn tought me how to be "cool" (very important) and Jessy led me to my first inquiries about God. I'm truely blessed to have the family that I do.

Today, we took Ainsley to her first baseball game and she enjoyed it quite alot. Although she drew alot of attention away from the actual game...

Ultimate Royalty

My friends and I always joke that I'm "THE Princess" but, in reality, the whole royalty thing only started because I am the King of King's daughter and I honestly believe that that makes me royalty. Now, that doesn't mean that I act like a princess all the time, certainly not. But I do believe it's time that we all try to live up to our titles as Princes and Princesses of God's kingdom and do some good in his name.

Yet to all who received him, to those who believed in his name, he gave the right to become children of God— children born not of natural descent, nor of human decision or a husband's will, but born of God. The Word became flesh and made his dwelling among us. We have seen his glory, the glory of the One and Only,who came from the Father, full of grace and truth.

John 1:12-14