Must Have:

So while I'm certainly no where near ready to be in another relationship just yet, I've given a lot of thought to what i should look for in the future. Here is my list so far:
1. Loves Jesus more than he loves me
2. Loves Me alot
3. Can make me laugh very easily
4. Is proud to be with me (aka shows me off)
5. Gets along with my Daddy

Ideally he:
1. has dimples
2. is ridiculously smart
3. is really cheesy and dorky
4. has beautiful eyes
5. can dance and can teach me how

if you know anyone who fits that perfectly, let me know. I'm open.

Week Overview

Needless to say, my first week of senior year was crap. I got a zero on a math quiz. Didn't get a thing right. That class will kill me. I HATE my Spanish 3 class. And I definitely only got two lines in this year's musical. And despite how much I'm hating school, I hate home so much worse. Everywhere I go in my house I have memories of me and Jeremy. I finished cleaning my room out today. There is no evidence I ever dated him except for the two pictures I have decided to keep framed (one from Homecoming and one from Prom) and the portrait I had done of us in Paris and had custom framed for wayyy too much money because I was stupidly convinced we would be together forever. Aside from the pile of his crap that he will have to come get because it'll be too much to mail and the things i just mentioned, it's like he never existed. I just wish I could clean my memory like I cleaned my room.

It's still killing me but I'm trying my hardest to be angry or distracted or something so that I can return to being numb. Meanwhile I've been nausieated since last Sunday and haven't slept more than 20 hours this week.

I started talking to Jack Strickland (My only other Ex) about a month before Jer and I broke up. Not in any sort of romantic sense but asking for advice on how to deal with Jer's departure from our relationship. While Jack made some big mistakes two years ago, he's grown up alot and has really helpful, Godly advice. As funny as it may sound, he's helped me the most out of anyone. It's crazy how God puts people in your life for a reason and when you think they've had their phase in your life, He brings them back. I'm incredibly thankful to have Jack in my life right now.

The only positive thing in my week was seeing Wicked in Austin on Wednesday night and even that wasn't entirely pain free. First of all, Austin in itself makes me think his name. Not to mention that the extra ticket was originally his. But there were two things that really got me. First, the song "As Long as You're Mine" was my ring tone for him for over a year. I was practically hyperventalating to the point of my mom asking me if i needed to step out for a bit. I couldn't even look up to watch it. The love and devotion Fieyero and Elphaba have for each other was something I always thought Jer and I had and watching it made me cry and feel sick at the same time. Not a good combo. Second was when we stopped for gas on our way home, the ladies went to the restroom. Well there were these really scary black guys that basically followed us around the station and in our car and stuff and I just kept wishing that Jer would have been there to protect me. But now that I think about it, he probably wouldn't have.

I just look forward to the day that Jeremy will either see what an idiot he's been and ask for me to take him back or for the day that I move on and it doesn't hurt anymore. Either one would be better than this suffering.

Last First Day

So my first day of senior year was definitely interesting. I got a few "I missed you's," a few "how was Paris's" but mostly "WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU AND YOUR BOYFRIEND?!?!'s." That was the most difficult part of my day. The timing for everything was horrible. Or at least that's how I see things now; I'm sure that'll change. I know God's timing is perfect but I honestly don't see why he had to let this happen the day before school started. Most of my binders had pictures of him on them not to mention everything that i had put in my locker last thursday at orientation. I had to find someone else to go to Wicked with me and my parents. I invited my "little sister" at school and she's REALLY excited but I know that this wednesday will only make me think of who I was supposed to be with. I see all these pictures around my room that were supposed to be flipped upside down or in a box and and I can think about is how much I miss him. I know I did the right thing but what the heck am I supposed to do now? He was so much apart of my life that I have no idea where to go or what to do. The only texts I have in my phone is the conversation I've had between us since Saturday. I asked if he still wanted to marry me and he said yes. I think that's the worst part of this whole process. Knowing that he lied. I don't know if he really still loved me to the very end but that he kept telling me he did just makes everything worse. I want to sleep till this is over but I don't want this to be over because then I will have lost him after I have already lost him. It's weird knowing that as much as I want this all to be a dream, it's very real. all I have to do is check facebook and see that he's not there. I so want him to be there...but as the knight in shining armor that he was...not the jerk he was yesterday.

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the likeness of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brothers. And those he predestined, he also called; those he called, he also justified; those he justified, he also glorified. What, then, shall we say in response to this? If God is for us, who can be against us?

An End and A Start

I lost my best friend today. I don't know why God has made this happen but it has. I'm surprisingly calm which really scares me. I know there will be a break down eventually but with school starting in just hours I'm worried about when it will happen. I know I made the right decision. I know I deserve more than what he can give. But when you're with someone for 2 and 1/4 years, being separated from them is the worst feeling in the world. I feel like I've lost a piece of myself that I'll never get back. I defined myself as part of him for so long that now that he's gone I don't really like myself that much anymore because he's not part of me. I have to keep telling myself I'm ok because I really am but then I'm not at the same time. I think I'm dreaming but I'm not...He was just there laughing and being a total dork and then we were in his car talking and he was practically crying and he got his stuff and left...
I had to go through all my picture frames and albums and binders and shelves and drawers and take everything that was his or mine or ours and put it in this box i had of all of our homemade christmas ornaments and trinkets and tickets to things we'd done and now my room feels devoid of life even though it's totally the coolest room in the house. I have a pile of his stuff that i didn't think to give back when he was here just laying on the floor by my bed. His wonderful hockey blanket among it all. I will miss that blanket. If I remember hard enough, it still smells like him.
This has changed so many things. Senior year just doesn't appeal to me any more. I've never been asked to a dance before but considering that I've known all the guys at my school since first grade, I don't think this will be my lucky year. And I'm now dreading college more than ever. I just had to fall in love with a school that was half an hour away from him.
I feel like a mess but I'm really the most put together I've been in a long time. I haven't been single in years now and I know I won't like it but I have to see this all as a new chapter of life. Becuase if I don't I know I'll crash and burn. He was my everything and I based too much of myself on him. I know not to do that now. I'm going to pick up all my pieces, put myself together and see what God has in store for me. Because that's all I can do. It just sucks like no other.

My Dedication to Ainsley

My darling niece, Ainsley, came with us to the beach and is most definitely the cutest thing ever! After having her around nonstop for five days, I miss her tons! She's very quiet and almost never cries and is growing soooo much! She's almost five months now and can not only roll over like crazy but is scooting herself all over the place! We had to pick her up and put her back on her blanket several times because she kept pulling herself forward! She's laughing now and I don't think I've ever heard a laugh so cute. Jenn said that she'll start teething soon and you can tell from the video that she VERY much likes "chewing" on things...I would call it sucking but it really isn't sucking any more. I do feel kind of bad for her though. With Jenn's surprise pregnancy, Ainsley will have to grow up alot faster than she probably should. I don't think she'll get to enjoy being a baby for as long as she should but even with the new baby here I'm sure she'll still be in the spot light because by then she'll be trying to walk and talk and hopfully she'll even have some hair! I'm honored to be her godmother and I really can't wait to see her all grown up and I especially can't wait to meet her and get to know her and learn all about what she likes and her friends and see her grow up. I never thought being an aunt could be so much fun!

Senior Year

I feel like my life is whirling past me in streaks of color and I can't quite find the breaks. My first day of Freshman year feels like yesterday and in two days I start Senior year. While I am excited as all get out (one of my mom's sayings) I just want to enjoy my time with my family and friends. It's weird to think that I only have one more year left at home. I redid my room a year ago and I'll have to leave it in a year. The luxury I have being the only child left at home is something that I'll really miss. My dad's "keep the change" policy and the fact that there is almost always food at home are two things I definitely wouldn't mind bringing with me. I'm excited for college but not about making new friends. I don't have any memories of changing schools because I only did it once and that was a long time ago. Twelve years with the same friends makes meeting new people extremely intimidating and nerve racking. I'm sure my feelings about all this will change as the year goes on but as of now, I'm very ready for a slow, peaceful year to enjoy and say goodbye. Faith West Academy Class of 2010.