New Found Freedom

I've come a long way in just two weeks. And I'm happy I have. I feel free. Like the world is my oyster and I'm not being held down. It'll be a good thing to start college without a boyfriend. I still HATE being single but right now, it's refreshing. Homecoming is in just over a month and I'm not looking forward to that fiasco. Well, I am. It's Senior year after all. But who I'll go with, I don't know. Probably Claire and Marin. Hopefully.
Today should have been our 27 month anniversary. I should be in bed in the fetal position but I've been good. I'm considering that maybe I felt the same way he did but I just didn't know it. For the longest time I was convinced I couldn't live without him but maybe I always knew I could.
God certainly has interesting timing and just as I knew I'd come to find something good in his recent timing, I did. I will not have dated a single day in senior year. Boys are off limits until I find someone who is looking for marriage and who is looking for me. And I refuse to consider anyone who does not pursue me first. (Wise advice via Katheryn M.) I'm going to make this year great. No one will hold me back.
In other news, Gary Bentz has throat cancer and my parents' two week tour of the States may be canceled. We'll see. My parents are pretty shaken up though.
Also, I miss Ainsley like nobody's business! Last time I saw her, she had HAIR! dark, thick, short hair! I can't wait to meet her and get to know her. She's sooooo adorable.
Before I go, I must share with you, my readers, whoever you are, my theme song for the week. It's been in my head since Friday and it fits perfectly to my life right now. Welcome to the world of Thoroughly Modern Millie.

No canary in a tree for me
This canary's ready to fly free

Cut the cord
Is that a man I once adored?
He's nothing but an albatross
No great loss
Doublecrosser
Forget about the boy
Pull the plug
Ain't he the one who pulled the rug
He's lower than an alley cat
Dirty rat
And I flatter
Forget about the boy
Forget about the boy
Forget about the boy

And in the moonlight
Don't you think about him
Sister, you're much better off without him
You can blow the blues a kiss goodbye
And put the sun back in the sky
For when he comes crawlin'
I'm not fallin'

Shout hooray and halleluh!
Now me and mister wrong are through
I'll find myself another beau
Who I know is no rover
Forget about the boy

Forget about the boy

Revelation

I came to a startling revelation today at work. I don't want Jeremy back. I thought I did. I thought he was the best there was. But in truth, he was never as perfect as I made him. Talking to him today, I was humbled by his unfriendliness. I know he wasn't trying to be unfriendly but that's how he came off. Today confirmed, officially, I did the right thing. I can look at pictures and not feel pain, say his name and not feel anything. I'm not over him. That will take time. I'm still attached to him. He was too much a part of my life to just throw away immediately. Not that I will ever "throw him away." He will always have a special place in my heart. But today I realized that I'm better off without him. That, as much as I HATE being single, I know that taking him back now would just be to have a boyfriend, not because I want him back.

I don't know what God has planned for the future. And that scares the crap out of me. But I know that He has someone amazing planned for me. Someone who will take care of me and love me and want me forever. I hate not knowing who and when but I know it'll happen. I know I deserve better than someone who was unhappy to be with me and I know that I need someone who will keep my focus on Christ and not on him.

Maybe someday Jeremy and I will have a future again. But I doubt it. And I'm ok with that. Because I know there's someone better, as hard as it is to imagine.

The future is scary. But I have God on my side. I know He'll get me through anything.

"There's been a change in me
A kind of moving on
Though what I used to be
I still depend on
For now I realize
That good can come from bad
That may not make me wise
But oh it makes me glad"

Beauty and the Beast (Broadway)

Week Update

failing pre-cal + heavy work week + tons of homework + an exboyfriend who practically hates me and i don't understand why = STRESS

I've been exhausted all week. I have had sooo much stupid-butt homework assigned this week, it's not even funny. They're basically sending home busywork and pointless reading assignments. Not to mention I have to write a paper in Bible! What the heck!?
Work's been either REALLY busy or REALLY boring. Basically from now until Christmas, I'll be working in the back which I'm totally fine with. I only mess up at work when I'm interacting with customers. They intimidate me...or maybe it's just that my boss watching over my shoulder after over a year intimidates me. Either way, the back is where I belong. I'm the fastest organizer/finder of homes for new toys at Learning Express Katy. But today we got 45 boxes which doesn't sound like that much but trust me, when there's, like, a dozen things in each box, it all adds up. When I worked on Tuesday, we had gotten 75 boxes and it took me most of my shift to finish. We'll only receive more until Christmas.
My boss made us fill out a test/questionnaire type thing on the September catalog. That was intense. It was three pages of how to sell the new products along with the items that haven't been selling well. My boss is going to read them tonight and basically grade them. It just felt like more busywork to me.
Tomorrow is Friday and Friday's are my new favorite days. They are the last day of the school week so you can see the light of the weekend ahead but you're still hanging out with all your friends. Not to mention that Seniors (CLASS OF 10) get to wear jeans on Fridays AND go off campus for lunch! I know, it sounds silly to be excited about wearing jeans to school but when you've been in ill fitting uniforms for 11 years, jeans once a week feels AMAZING.
I'm still coping with losing him. It's hard to say his name both out loud and in my head. Not physically hard but more that I don't say it because it'll send waves of unpleasant memories and knowledge through me. I'm getting better every day. The most painful thing is that I can't let go until I know what I did to make him not want me anymore. So we've been talking, me trying to get into his head. He's hard to understand sometimes in the first place but when he's someone I don't even know, it's harder. I just don't understand how he could change so drastically and so against his character SO SUDDENLY. That's what's confusing. That's what's making everything so hard. It's not like the boy I knew to love me one second and then have no feelings for me whatsoever the next. He was the one that took forever to tell me he loved me because he wanted to make sure that's really what he felt. And then all the sudden it's gone? That just doesn't happen. And that just doesn't happen to him.
I want him back. But not the boy that I broke up with. The boy I fell in love with to begin with. I know he doesn't feel the same but part of me believes that I can show him he's wrong. That I can change his mind. That everyday without me, he's one step closer to coming back to me. But I try not to allow myself to think those things. I know that I can't hope him back into my life. I know that he doesn't feel that way about me and probably never will. But that hope is still there. I can't help it.
Until next time