So over it

I'm over it.
all of it.
I ruin things so easily.
Tomorrow I begin day one of getting back on track.
Wish me luck, I'll need it.

Streaming by in blurs of color

four months from today I will officially be an adult.
High school has gone by so fast and I have the feeling that college will too. It's quite sad but I know it's true.
Today everyone had school pictures and, thankfully, seniors don't have to take them. Instead we get to wear hideous black things that make us look ridiculous. I'd much rather have Mr. Barker take my photo in the nursery of the main building like he has for the past eleven years, but no.
In other news, I got a B on my precal test. I haven't seen it yet so I don't know if I should be disappointed in myself or happy...We shall see.
William was really sweet to me today for the first time all year. I'd forgotten what that's like. He's making my life much harder than it has to be.
I found out something today about one of my friends. From their mouth too so I know it's true. You think you know someone...I'm just amazed sometimes about how in-genuine some people can be. It's quite disappointing.
Why can't everyone feel the way I do about honesty?

Mondays, I hate Mondays...Weekends, I look for the weekends!

One word: precal.
I actually have an a in the class right now but only because I've gone to math lab every day and worked my butt off. We have a test tomorrow and I feel like I should be doing more but I've completed my folder, corrected everything, and done every odd review question over the sections we're testing over tomorrow and checked them with the answers in the back of the book. I think I might actually know what I'm doing this time...Which is completely scaring me that I'm forgetting something. I'm asking everyone for prayers so if you're thinking about me anywhere from 10:45 to 11:35 tomorrow morning, PLEASE PRAY FOR ME. It's only by God's grace that I made a b in the nine weeks last term and I'd really really love to make an a or at least a high b for this term. If I can make an a on this test, I'll keep my 93.
I know my parents are proud of me no matter what but I was not happy with my report card. I got straight B's. It was mostly because I've been so focused on doing decently in precal that I've neglected my other subjects but I'd really REALLY like to get back to all A's. I know I can do better than this past nine weeks.
My dad said that my grades don't really matter any more and that I should stop worrying about them. I can't help it. I need the goal to get me through the rest of the school year.
No House tonight. Stupid baseball.

The Miracle of Life

I spent all day today with my favorite person in the entire world.
My niece is the sweetest six month old baby I've ever met. She is nothing but smiles and squeals and love and she is such a blessing to me. It was so good to spend so much time with her and Jenn said that she's never seen Ainsley so relaxed with anyone besides her and Shawn before. I'm so in love with those chubby little cheeks and bright blue eyes! She puts me in such a good mood and I just love being around her. We got to feed her twice today and she and I went for a walk. Literally, I could spend every day with her and not be sick of it.

She started to crawl today and then I think got a little weirded out by it and stopped but it'll probably happen sometime this week. Jenn said she's turning into a little toddler, she's getting so active. It's so amazing watching her grow up. God really does know what He's doing and so many times we forget that. Being the youngest, Ainsley is my first experience witnessing the miracle of life and I can't begin to explain what an honor and blessing it's been. I'm thrilled that I get to be in her life, every step of the way, watching and helping and loving.
Seriously, everyone needs this in their life. It's truly humbling and such a "God-thing."

Senioritis

My best friend came to visit me this weekend! :)
We made freaking awesome shirts for the premiere of New Moon in less than a month and did our usual best friend activities. I love her lots :)
Marin is convinced that I "like-like" Will, which I don't, and wants to tell him. Or wants me to tell him. I'm not ready for any of that yet. Thinking about it all makes me feel sick. No one will or can replace Jeremy and that's essentially what the girls at school want me to do. They're tired of me bringing him up and they're all convinced that the best way to get over a guy is to find a new one. I don't want a new one, it's just that Jeremy was my best friend for two years, not to mention he's my go to guy when I have a question about something entirely random. Needless to say, he comes up alot. They're gunna have to get over it.
Work today was so ridiculous. Marcy almost fired JP because he came in late and then proceeded to take it out on all of us. She was in a terrible mood all day and was just horrible, even to her favorite, Danielle. Shelby went on a "day trip" to Monroe and Marcy thinks she's not going to show up to work tomorrow. If she doesn't, Marcy wants to "talk to her" if not fire her...Glad I'm not working tomorrow!
Speaking of which, I get tomorrow off which means I get to hang out with my beautiful niece/goddaughter ALL DAY! I'm so excited! She is the most adorable thing ever!
I can't wait until Christmas break. I'm only one week into this quarter and I'm so ready for it to be over. Senioritis much?

Fairy Tale, Smairy Fail

I don't know what I'm doing.
I think I do, but I don't.
I think so often we decide we can fight our own battles alone when we really need help. I'm tired of fighting alone.

I'm in one of those moods where I wish I could will things into existence. I wish they would talk to me, I wish I were accepted to SU already, I wish life were easier...

But if life were easier, there would be no point.

More than anything, I just want to go to college, find a man who will love me and not stop loving me, travel the world, and live happily ever after.
Do fairy tales exist only to dangle dreams in front of girls and then yank them away?
Paramore: Brick by brick lyrics

Well she lives in the fairy tale
Somewhere too far for us to find
Forgotten the taste and smell
Of a world that she's left behind
It's all about the exposure the lens I told her

The angles are all wrong now
She's ripping wings off of butterflies
Keep your feet on the ground
When your head's in the clouds

Well go get your shovel
And we'll dig a deep hole
To bury the castle, bury the castle
Go get your shovel
And we'll dig a deep hole
To bury the castle, bury the castle
Ba da ba ba da ba ba da

So one day he found her crying
Coiled up on the dirty ground
Her prince finally came to save her
And the rest you can figure out
But it was a trick
And the clock struck 12

Well make sure to build your home brick by boring brick
or the wolf's gonna blow it down
Keep your feet on the ground
When your head's in the clouds

Well go get your shovel
And we'll dig a deep hole
To bury the castle, bury the castle
Go get your shovel
And we'll dig a deep hole
To bury the castle, bury the castle
Woah, woah.

Well you built up a world of magic
Because your real life is tragic
Yeah you built up a world of magic

If it's not real
You can't hold it in your hand
You can't feel it with your heart
And I won't believe it

But if it's true
You can see it with your eyes
Or even in the dark
And that's where I want to be, yeah

Go get your shovel
And we'll dig a deep hole
To bury the castle, bury the castle
Go get your shovel
And we'll dig a deep hole
To bury the castle, bury the castle
Ba da ba ba da ba ba da...

Celebration, Pitty Parties, and Self Control

I got a B in precal! Don't know how I managed it, but I have an 81 on my report card! All I know is that it was totally God and not me. I know I couldn't have done that on my own...
Also, Best Friend is coming home on Friday to make t shirts for the New Moon midnight premier!! Get excited! I want to reread the book but since New Moon is the most sad of the four and considering what happened two months ago, it may not be the best idea. Hysterics probably wouldn't be convenient.
There's not much else to report except that I can't tell you enough how amazing paramore's cd is.
Also, William is slowly being erased from my list. It was never a list but that's the only metaphor I could think of while running on this much sleep. (long night studying for apgov test) It's not that I like him it's that I could like him but I know that it wouldn't be fair to either of us for me to be that way and I think for the first time in almost 18 years now I'm beginning to control myself. Hopefully. No more falling blindly. Look how that turned out.
I miss having someone to talk to that wanted to talk to me back. That part was nice. And having someone to take care of too.
Ok. I need to stop.
The End.
Also, Ainsley is six months old today!!!

Make it stop

This weekend has been pretty crappy even though I had Friday off.
Actually, Friday was my only decent day. I got to sleep in, spend the day with my niece, and goof off until work. And then I came home and watched a Pride and Prejudice twice in a row on Oxygen and sent quotes via text to Katie. Wow, I have no life.
Saturday was where things went wrong.
First of all, Marcy asked me to come in an hour early. I normally don't mind coming in early but an hour just to restock a hand full of items and windex the counters. So I didn't have much to do the majority of that hour. Then I worked for eight more hours while the store was actually open. By closing time, I was absolutely exhausted. Not to mention the drama with my friends. And yes, I can say friends now. It was a very overwhelming day. When I got home, I tried for two hours to turn our front tv on because I knew that the second my parents got home, they'd kick me out of their room. It never did turn on. We have to call a repair guy this week. I hope my parents know I'll be watching House in their room tomorrow, no matter what. So anyway, out of shear frustration and confusion I spent most of those two hours crying on the couch. It was pathetic. But then Will called and we talked for a bit and he made life better. Then he went and got into a car wreck and the Shiny Silver Volvo might be totaled. That's too bad. I liked knowing a shiny silver Volvo owner. It made me feel like Bella Swan. Will's ok though which is what matters.
So as you can imagine, I was exhausted all day today. I even showed up late to work, I was so groggy when I woke up, I didn't even pay attention to the time most of the morning. But when I got home, there was Ainsley. I am so in love with my baby niece! She is the cutest thing in the entire world and I know I say that every time I mention her but she really is! She's starting to crawl! AND we can put clips in her hair now! It's the most amazing thing to make her laugh or smile.
I've been asked out for the fourth time by the same guy. I don't think he understands that I'm not dating for a year even though I've said it several times. If he asks again, I swear I'll throw up. I hate saying no but I honestly don't want to go out with him.
HELP ME

Turn it off

too many emotions and things and...it's all just too much.
i don't know what happened. i'm so lost.
why are you doing this now?

and the worst part is before it gets any better we're headed for a cliff and in the free fall i will realize I'm better off when I hit the bottom-paramore, turn it off

What I learned today

So here's what I learned today:
1. I can do pre cal but not algebra
2. I can throw a mean punch to the stomach and enjoy it but...
3. I can't run faster than Will
4. Oakley's look amazing on me
5. Marcy wishes I were her daughter
6. Certain people look better in a Best Buy uniform than others
7. The rules of Sprite Pong (the private school version of beer pong)
8. Haley is an AMAZING fake cryer
9. I should NEVER try to drive to Marin's at night
10. I belong to the weirdest senior class EVER

Christmas in NY?!?!?!

Today has been a really good day! :)
Everyone had PSATs today so seniors didn't have to come to school till noon and then we just goofed off the rest of the day. I stayed for math lab because we have a quiz tomorrow and I'm a bit confused but I think I got it...hopefully.
After school I went out to my car and W and Chase and Kristina were chillin out there so I joined them and then returned something to the office with W who proceeded to send a text to C saying "i just want to be friends and i'm not attracted to you so leave me alone."
Don't worry.
I hit him.
We're going to New York for Christmas!
Well, not for Christmas. Every year my parents take me and my Best Friend on a trip during Christmas break and this year it's pretty much decided that we're going to New York! Which means I get to be there while the Rockefeller Christmas tree is up!!!! You have no idea how excited I am!!!!! And my dad asked for a list of shows that should we go to NY, I would want to see!!!
AND Glee comes on tonight!
Man, Wednesday's are the best.

Modern Day Jonah

I think I lost my head this week. To think that I even had a chance with that guy is ridiculous. I lost sight of my goal already and I've only been single for two months now, what the heck was I thinking? Can I not have guy friends without thinking it's something more?
My life is a mess. God, come help me clean!!!
I think I just keep loosing sight of God. I get close, and then back up, get close and back up. Maybe that's normal. After all, I'm a sinner and sin separates us from God's love. Or maybe I'm just a huge idiot.
According to my Pre Cal grade, it's the second one.
I cried in class again today. That makes three classes in a row.
I want to back up time to a certain part of Saturday night and stay there.
Or I just want to go to an all girls school and become a nun. I think I'll do that.
C won't leave me alone. STILL.
And W is either in a bad mood, or is repelled. I wouldn't be surprised by either. I'm giving up for a week.
If I guy wants me, he'll act like he wants me. I'm glad I read He's just NOT that into you. I didn't think any of it would ever apply to me. I thought I would never have to date again. Yet, here I am.
I can't wait till Best Friend comes home! She can't even spend the night but I'll just be happy to hang with her! I need a constant in my life.
More and more today I realized how often I try to back away from what God wants me to do. And then He shows me that I'm not doing what He wants and I try to follow His path and then just end up like Jonah.
Where's my fish?

Pre Caculus is the spawn of satan and should die a dark, lonley death in the firey pits of the darkest circles of hell

This week I will be receiving my first c on a report card ever. that's what i get for driving away my handy dandy tutor. I broke the rules today and asked him for a recipe but i doubt he'll answer. I just need to know that he's ok. Also, I miss his yummy delicious burritos.
Pre Cal is kicking my butt. So not only will I have a c at the end of this quarter, I won't have any a's. Of course, the c will count as a b and the b's will count as a's GPA wise but still. It's a total blow to my confidence. And it ruins my chances of high honor roll for four consecutive years. And I think it blows my chances of honor roll too...great. I freaking HATE math!!!!!!!!!
The thing is, I'm going to go to college and get a BA in something that only requires two semesters of college algebra and then I will NEVER touch higher level mathematics again! WHY ON EARTH IS PRE CALCULUS NECESSARY!?!?!?! UGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!
ok i'm done venting.
meanwhile i'm pretty sure my HC date, Christian, likes me. And this other kid, Will, the one who saved my night. The thing is, I'm not ok with Christian liking me but I am ok with Will. Don't get me wrong, I'm not dating till college. It won't happen. It's not fair to any guy I could be interested in if I'm still hung up on Jeremy. Which I'm still trying to get over. But until that day comes, no boys.
ANYWAYS, that's my life. Not to mention the three projects and two tests I have this week. And i work thursday through tuesday. whoopeeyyyyy.

I'm finishing Issiah this week. Any thoughts on what book I should start next?

Silver Screen

Silver Screen
by Jackie Steen

I wish we could fly away on a cloud,
Take the best of my days and record them somehow
Play back time on the silver screen
To watch and to never forget

I wish I could say how I feel,
Lay out my words like a film reel,
Play out time on the silver screen,
To watch and to never forget

I wish I knew who you are,
To tell me how things are so far
Play out time on the silver screen
To watch and to never forget

I wish we had a future together,
Not some fling that could change like the weather
Play out time on the silver screen
To watch and to never forget

I wish I could know what you'll say,
Wait by the mailbox day after day
Play out time on the silver screen
To watch and to never forget

I wish I knew you felt the same,
Luck says you don't remember my name
Play out time on the silver screen
To watch and to never forget

I wish a lot of silly things
Only God knows what's on my heart strings
Play out time on the silver screen
To watch and never forget

Senior Homecoming 2009

It was a great night! I was really hesitant about the group but it turned out really perfect which was a total blessing.
We met at Joey's at six for pictures and everyone showed up on time! It was a miracle!! Except that the weather was like England, the pictures turned out really pretty. (all posted on Facebook, of course!)
From Joey's we caravan-ed over to chili's where we goofed off for 45 minutes while waiting for our "reserved" table that they forgot about. It was a bit chilly but we made some REALLY good "that's what she said" jokes to pass the time! :) Christian was a total gentleman, opening doors and pulling out my chair and everything. He was really sweet.
From chili's we went to the dance where we were the first seniors there amongst a whole bunch of freshman but it was still fun. Pretty soon, everyone showed up so it's not like we were alone anyways.
At the dance, Christian was really clingy and wouldn't leave me. He was sweet as could be I just couldn't seem to get away, he'd follow me everywhere. But he and Andy got along REALLY well so at some point they went off dancing and I went with the girls until he found me again. Will saved my night by asking me to dance and taking me away because we "needed to talk" but we just talked about school and stuff. I don't think he realizes what a help he was. Not that I don't think Christian is wonderful. He's a great guy I just needed space.
Everyone was beautiful. It's not a night I will easily forget, that's for sure!
Again, pictures on facebook!

Pictures!

Homecoming pictures are posted on facebook! Just from last night (the game) and the rest of the week though. Dance pictures will be posted tomorrow morning as I will be going to the Senior Class after party tonight! WHOOP!
And if you're not my friend on facebook...well, sucks for you. Also, why are you reading this?

Stop kidding yourself and face the facts

I miss him.
alot.

It doesn't matter what he did to me or what he said or how many times i try to convince myself i'm better off without him. The truth behind everything is that i miss him like crazy and i hate trying to convince myself otherwise. I can't lie to myself when i know the truth.

Tonight's the game and tomorrow's the dance. I'm gunna go out there and put on my biggest smile and act like it's the best weekend of my life. And it probably will be up there. But it won't be nearly the same with the memories I have of last year and the year before.

i hate this.

New blog

Also, I set up another blog for college; something my parents can see and be kept informed with what i want to tell them :) haha

www.collegelife27.blogspot.com

BECOME A FOLLOWER!

Turtles are Overrated.

Life's good. Just sayin.
Last night I had this really intense moment with my Jesus. He's all I need and I don't know why so often that's not good enough for me. But I'm determined to keep my eyes on him this year because I know that He knows the desires of my heart and He's the only one that can make them possible. I feel like I'm turning over a new leaf in my life and starting anew.

MY GOD IS SOOOO GREAT

even when I don't deserve it He still blesses me like crazy.

On another note, if you have ten bucks laying around, Paramore's new album is classic. LOVE them.

Also, Carolyn managed to make business casual into jeans and a teeshirt today. She wins at life.

It's been too long...

It's been a long time, I know. School is crazy, as it is every year. I don't think teachers realize that we have other classes besides theirs. And on top of other classes we have lives and college crap to deal with. But I have time to write now so I think I will :)
I'm good, thanks for asking! Well, my allergies are killing me again this year but I've managed to keep breathing which is a complete upgrade from last year. My voice has been going in and out though which might be a sign that my vocal cords are deciding to hate me again. we'll see...
Homecoming is this week and I'm crazy excited! I have the most beautiful dress and I asked Christian so I know I'll have fun! We're going with Joey and Shealynn and hopefully a whole bunch of other people so that'll be great :) I just don't want to eat at iHop which is where Joey wants to go. I'm going with Chili's I think! This week will be amazing. The only bad thing is that I have a pre cal test Wednesday but other than that, I'm livin it up!
I've spent so much more time hanging out with friends than I have since junior high. It feels nice to be able to spend time with people besides my parents and family.
Speaking of which, Ainsley is the most adorable thing ever made! She grows more and more every time I see her and she's continuously laughing and smiling and giggling. She is such a joy in my life and I'm so glad to have her during this time.
Also, I've officially sent in my application to Southwestern University. It is now out of my hands and into the admissions' people's. and God's of course. I have no doubt that I'll get in and if I don't, it'll be a surprise. My grades and scores are good enough. They just have to like me and I sincerely hope they will. I'm extatic about being a Pirate! and Chase got accepted to Concordia in Austin so I'll have a friend nearby which is a total relief.
As for Jeremy? We aren't talking. About a week ago, we decided it'd be better for both of us not to talk for at least a year. Well, i decided that because he wasn't talking to me so I said maybe when I get up there and he never responded. I hope he's doing well.
I've thought of half a dozen things that I'd like to tell him and it's hard to refrane but knowing that he doesn't care and wouldn't answer me anyways helps to resist texting or messaging him. Honestly, I do feel better without him but it still SUCKS butt being single. I'll get over it though.
If I learn anything this year it's that I don't need a guy to complete me.