New Found Freedom

I've come a long way in just two weeks. And I'm happy I have. I feel free. Like the world is my oyster and I'm not being held down. It'll be a good thing to start college without a boyfriend. I still HATE being single but right now, it's refreshing. Homecoming is in just over a month and I'm not looking forward to that fiasco. Well, I am. It's Senior year after all. But who I'll go with, I don't know. Probably Claire and Marin. Hopefully.
Today should have been our 27 month anniversary. I should be in bed in the fetal position but I've been good. I'm considering that maybe I felt the same way he did but I just didn't know it. For the longest time I was convinced I couldn't live without him but maybe I always knew I could.
God certainly has interesting timing and just as I knew I'd come to find something good in his recent timing, I did. I will not have dated a single day in senior year. Boys are off limits until I find someone who is looking for marriage and who is looking for me. And I refuse to consider anyone who does not pursue me first. (Wise advice via Katheryn M.) I'm going to make this year great. No one will hold me back.
In other news, Gary Bentz has throat cancer and my parents' two week tour of the States may be canceled. We'll see. My parents are pretty shaken up though.
Also, I miss Ainsley like nobody's business! Last time I saw her, she had HAIR! dark, thick, short hair! I can't wait to meet her and get to know her. She's sooooo adorable.
Before I go, I must share with you, my readers, whoever you are, my theme song for the week. It's been in my head since Friday and it fits perfectly to my life right now. Welcome to the world of Thoroughly Modern Millie.

No canary in a tree for me
This canary's ready to fly free

Cut the cord
Is that a man I once adored?
He's nothing but an albatross
No great loss
Doublecrosser
Forget about the boy
Pull the plug
Ain't he the one who pulled the rug
He's lower than an alley cat
Dirty rat
And I flatter
Forget about the boy
Forget about the boy
Forget about the boy

And in the moonlight
Don't you think about him
Sister, you're much better off without him
You can blow the blues a kiss goodbye
And put the sun back in the sky
For when he comes crawlin'
I'm not fallin'

Shout hooray and halleluh!
Now me and mister wrong are through
I'll find myself another beau
Who I know is no rover
Forget about the boy

Forget about the boy

Revelation

I came to a startling revelation today at work. I don't want Jeremy back. I thought I did. I thought he was the best there was. But in truth, he was never as perfect as I made him. Talking to him today, I was humbled by his unfriendliness. I know he wasn't trying to be unfriendly but that's how he came off. Today confirmed, officially, I did the right thing. I can look at pictures and not feel pain, say his name and not feel anything. I'm not over him. That will take time. I'm still attached to him. He was too much a part of my life to just throw away immediately. Not that I will ever "throw him away." He will always have a special place in my heart. But today I realized that I'm better off without him. That, as much as I HATE being single, I know that taking him back now would just be to have a boyfriend, not because I want him back.

I don't know what God has planned for the future. And that scares the crap out of me. But I know that He has someone amazing planned for me. Someone who will take care of me and love me and want me forever. I hate not knowing who and when but I know it'll happen. I know I deserve better than someone who was unhappy to be with me and I know that I need someone who will keep my focus on Christ and not on him.

Maybe someday Jeremy and I will have a future again. But I doubt it. And I'm ok with that. Because I know there's someone better, as hard as it is to imagine.

The future is scary. But I have God on my side. I know He'll get me through anything.

"There's been a change in me
A kind of moving on
Though what I used to be
I still depend on
For now I realize
That good can come from bad
That may not make me wise
But oh it makes me glad"

Beauty and the Beast (Broadway)

Week Update

failing pre-cal + heavy work week + tons of homework + an exboyfriend who practically hates me and i don't understand why = STRESS

I've been exhausted all week. I have had sooo much stupid-butt homework assigned this week, it's not even funny. They're basically sending home busywork and pointless reading assignments. Not to mention I have to write a paper in Bible! What the heck!?
Work's been either REALLY busy or REALLY boring. Basically from now until Christmas, I'll be working in the back which I'm totally fine with. I only mess up at work when I'm interacting with customers. They intimidate me...or maybe it's just that my boss watching over my shoulder after over a year intimidates me. Either way, the back is where I belong. I'm the fastest organizer/finder of homes for new toys at Learning Express Katy. But today we got 45 boxes which doesn't sound like that much but trust me, when there's, like, a dozen things in each box, it all adds up. When I worked on Tuesday, we had gotten 75 boxes and it took me most of my shift to finish. We'll only receive more until Christmas.
My boss made us fill out a test/questionnaire type thing on the September catalog. That was intense. It was three pages of how to sell the new products along with the items that haven't been selling well. My boss is going to read them tonight and basically grade them. It just felt like more busywork to me.
Tomorrow is Friday and Friday's are my new favorite days. They are the last day of the school week so you can see the light of the weekend ahead but you're still hanging out with all your friends. Not to mention that Seniors (CLASS OF 10) get to wear jeans on Fridays AND go off campus for lunch! I know, it sounds silly to be excited about wearing jeans to school but when you've been in ill fitting uniforms for 11 years, jeans once a week feels AMAZING.
I'm still coping with losing him. It's hard to say his name both out loud and in my head. Not physically hard but more that I don't say it because it'll send waves of unpleasant memories and knowledge through me. I'm getting better every day. The most painful thing is that I can't let go until I know what I did to make him not want me anymore. So we've been talking, me trying to get into his head. He's hard to understand sometimes in the first place but when he's someone I don't even know, it's harder. I just don't understand how he could change so drastically and so against his character SO SUDDENLY. That's what's confusing. That's what's making everything so hard. It's not like the boy I knew to love me one second and then have no feelings for me whatsoever the next. He was the one that took forever to tell me he loved me because he wanted to make sure that's really what he felt. And then all the sudden it's gone? That just doesn't happen. And that just doesn't happen to him.
I want him back. But not the boy that I broke up with. The boy I fell in love with to begin with. I know he doesn't feel the same but part of me believes that I can show him he's wrong. That I can change his mind. That everyday without me, he's one step closer to coming back to me. But I try not to allow myself to think those things. I know that I can't hope him back into my life. I know that he doesn't feel that way about me and probably never will. But that hope is still there. I can't help it.
Until next time

Must Have:

So while I'm certainly no where near ready to be in another relationship just yet, I've given a lot of thought to what i should look for in the future. Here is my list so far:
1. Loves Jesus more than he loves me
2. Loves Me alot
3. Can make me laugh very easily
4. Is proud to be with me (aka shows me off)
5. Gets along with my Daddy

Ideally he:
1. has dimples
2. is ridiculously smart
3. is really cheesy and dorky
4. has beautiful eyes
5. can dance and can teach me how

if you know anyone who fits that perfectly, let me know. I'm open.

Week Overview

Needless to say, my first week of senior year was crap. I got a zero on a math quiz. Didn't get a thing right. That class will kill me. I HATE my Spanish 3 class. And I definitely only got two lines in this year's musical. And despite how much I'm hating school, I hate home so much worse. Everywhere I go in my house I have memories of me and Jeremy. I finished cleaning my room out today. There is no evidence I ever dated him except for the two pictures I have decided to keep framed (one from Homecoming and one from Prom) and the portrait I had done of us in Paris and had custom framed for wayyy too much money because I was stupidly convinced we would be together forever. Aside from the pile of his crap that he will have to come get because it'll be too much to mail and the things i just mentioned, it's like he never existed. I just wish I could clean my memory like I cleaned my room.

It's still killing me but I'm trying my hardest to be angry or distracted or something so that I can return to being numb. Meanwhile I've been nausieated since last Sunday and haven't slept more than 20 hours this week.

I started talking to Jack Strickland (My only other Ex) about a month before Jer and I broke up. Not in any sort of romantic sense but asking for advice on how to deal with Jer's departure from our relationship. While Jack made some big mistakes two years ago, he's grown up alot and has really helpful, Godly advice. As funny as it may sound, he's helped me the most out of anyone. It's crazy how God puts people in your life for a reason and when you think they've had their phase in your life, He brings them back. I'm incredibly thankful to have Jack in my life right now.

The only positive thing in my week was seeing Wicked in Austin on Wednesday night and even that wasn't entirely pain free. First of all, Austin in itself makes me think his name. Not to mention that the extra ticket was originally his. But there were two things that really got me. First, the song "As Long as You're Mine" was my ring tone for him for over a year. I was practically hyperventalating to the point of my mom asking me if i needed to step out for a bit. I couldn't even look up to watch it. The love and devotion Fieyero and Elphaba have for each other was something I always thought Jer and I had and watching it made me cry and feel sick at the same time. Not a good combo. Second was when we stopped for gas on our way home, the ladies went to the restroom. Well there were these really scary black guys that basically followed us around the station and in our car and stuff and I just kept wishing that Jer would have been there to protect me. But now that I think about it, he probably wouldn't have.

I just look forward to the day that Jeremy will either see what an idiot he's been and ask for me to take him back or for the day that I move on and it doesn't hurt anymore. Either one would be better than this suffering.

Last First Day

So my first day of senior year was definitely interesting. I got a few "I missed you's," a few "how was Paris's" but mostly "WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU AND YOUR BOYFRIEND?!?!'s." That was the most difficult part of my day. The timing for everything was horrible. Or at least that's how I see things now; I'm sure that'll change. I know God's timing is perfect but I honestly don't see why he had to let this happen the day before school started. Most of my binders had pictures of him on them not to mention everything that i had put in my locker last thursday at orientation. I had to find someone else to go to Wicked with me and my parents. I invited my "little sister" at school and she's REALLY excited but I know that this wednesday will only make me think of who I was supposed to be with. I see all these pictures around my room that were supposed to be flipped upside down or in a box and and I can think about is how much I miss him. I know I did the right thing but what the heck am I supposed to do now? He was so much apart of my life that I have no idea where to go or what to do. The only texts I have in my phone is the conversation I've had between us since Saturday. I asked if he still wanted to marry me and he said yes. I think that's the worst part of this whole process. Knowing that he lied. I don't know if he really still loved me to the very end but that he kept telling me he did just makes everything worse. I want to sleep till this is over but I don't want this to be over because then I will have lost him after I have already lost him. It's weird knowing that as much as I want this all to be a dream, it's very real. all I have to do is check facebook and see that he's not there. I so want him to be there...but as the knight in shining armor that he was...not the jerk he was yesterday.

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the likeness of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brothers. And those he predestined, he also called; those he called, he also justified; those he justified, he also glorified. What, then, shall we say in response to this? If God is for us, who can be against us?

An End and A Start

I lost my best friend today. I don't know why God has made this happen but it has. I'm surprisingly calm which really scares me. I know there will be a break down eventually but with school starting in just hours I'm worried about when it will happen. I know I made the right decision. I know I deserve more than what he can give. But when you're with someone for 2 and 1/4 years, being separated from them is the worst feeling in the world. I feel like I've lost a piece of myself that I'll never get back. I defined myself as part of him for so long that now that he's gone I don't really like myself that much anymore because he's not part of me. I have to keep telling myself I'm ok because I really am but then I'm not at the same time. I think I'm dreaming but I'm not...He was just there laughing and being a total dork and then we were in his car talking and he was practically crying and he got his stuff and left...
I had to go through all my picture frames and albums and binders and shelves and drawers and take everything that was his or mine or ours and put it in this box i had of all of our homemade christmas ornaments and trinkets and tickets to things we'd done and now my room feels devoid of life even though it's totally the coolest room in the house. I have a pile of his stuff that i didn't think to give back when he was here just laying on the floor by my bed. His wonderful hockey blanket among it all. I will miss that blanket. If I remember hard enough, it still smells like him.
This has changed so many things. Senior year just doesn't appeal to me any more. I've never been asked to a dance before but considering that I've known all the guys at my school since first grade, I don't think this will be my lucky year. And I'm now dreading college more than ever. I just had to fall in love with a school that was half an hour away from him.
I feel like a mess but I'm really the most put together I've been in a long time. I haven't been single in years now and I know I won't like it but I have to see this all as a new chapter of life. Becuase if I don't I know I'll crash and burn. He was my everything and I based too much of myself on him. I know not to do that now. I'm going to pick up all my pieces, put myself together and see what God has in store for me. Because that's all I can do. It just sucks like no other.

My Dedication to Ainsley

My darling niece, Ainsley, came with us to the beach and is most definitely the cutest thing ever! After having her around nonstop for five days, I miss her tons! She's very quiet and almost never cries and is growing soooo much! She's almost five months now and can not only roll over like crazy but is scooting herself all over the place! We had to pick her up and put her back on her blanket several times because she kept pulling herself forward! She's laughing now and I don't think I've ever heard a laugh so cute. Jenn said that she'll start teething soon and you can tell from the video that she VERY much likes "chewing" on things...I would call it sucking but it really isn't sucking any more. I do feel kind of bad for her though. With Jenn's surprise pregnancy, Ainsley will have to grow up alot faster than she probably should. I don't think she'll get to enjoy being a baby for as long as she should but even with the new baby here I'm sure she'll still be in the spot light because by then she'll be trying to walk and talk and hopfully she'll even have some hair! I'm honored to be her godmother and I really can't wait to see her all grown up and I especially can't wait to meet her and get to know her and learn all about what she likes and her friends and see her grow up. I never thought being an aunt could be so much fun!

Senior Year

I feel like my life is whirling past me in streaks of color and I can't quite find the breaks. My first day of Freshman year feels like yesterday and in two days I start Senior year. While I am excited as all get out (one of my mom's sayings) I just want to enjoy my time with my family and friends. It's weird to think that I only have one more year left at home. I redid my room a year ago and I'll have to leave it in a year. The luxury I have being the only child left at home is something that I'll really miss. My dad's "keep the change" policy and the fact that there is almost always food at home are two things I definitely wouldn't mind bringing with me. I'm excited for college but not about making new friends. I don't have any memories of changing schools because I only did it once and that was a long time ago. Twelve years with the same friends makes meeting new people extremely intimidating and nerve racking. I'm sure my feelings about all this will change as the year goes on but as of now, I'm very ready for a slow, peaceful year to enjoy and say goodbye. Faith West Academy Class of 2010.

Parenting Issue Numero Uno

As I've said before, my parents may be a handful but they are really great. They've instilled in me, what I believe, to be the proper morals, values, and life lessons to prepare me for the real world in a year. I love them dearly but they have and do make mistakes raising me and my sisters. As a teenager, I (of course) have a list of things I will NEVER do to my children that my parents did to me (substitute teaching at my school, making decisions and judgments without hearing me out first, being overbearing). I also have a list of things that I LOVE that they did and hope to do with my children. But this particular blog concerns a particular issue I have with a particular aspect of how my parents raised me.

Let me start by saying that my mom (and her twin sister) were adopted by my grandparents as babies and have never even attempted to reach their birth parents because, in all honesty, they had no reason to. If these people really wanted to find their two beautiful daughters, they would have done it by now but since it's been 52 years without contact, there really haven't been any issues. My dad is either the oldest or youngest of, I believe, four. (For reasons private (unpublishable) we don't keep in contact with my father's family and so I only have limited knowledge of that area.) So when my parents decided to have kids, the genetic makeup would be sort of a surprise since we had no clue of my mother's family background. On the other hand, the women in my dad's family were said to be very pretty. So when my sisters were born they were, of course, adorable and grew to be extremely pretty, strong, Godly women. When I was born ten years after my oldest sister, I looked like any other baby only unlike my sisters who had straight hair and no hair at all (Jessy's came in around 2 1/2) I had strawberry blonde ringlets all over my head.

Growing up, my parents told me I was special, that I was gorgeous. This is something any little girl would LOVE to hear and, I did. My mother used to always say, "don't let this whole beauty thing go to your head" and I was careful to walk in humility. When I started school I specifically remember my parents telling me I was the prettiest in my class which seemed normal...I mean, all parents are bias, right? By that age, I was getting comments like, "Oh my goodness, are you a model?" and my parents were getting asked if they would let me be in photo shoots and such. Being the good parents that they are, they knew better than to raise a child star and quickly shot those offers down. Needless to say, humility was getting to be a pretty hard walk.

I've made it a point in my life to never once have the attitude of "Oh, well, I'm prettier than her anyways" and I always try to see God in everyone. I don't like stuck up girls because they get annoying to be around and I certainly don't want to be like that. But when it's been drilled into my head for seventeen years now that I have the body to model, hair any girl would die for, big eyes, and a wide smile it's hard to eat that slice of humble pie. Now I'm certainly not saying that I'm in love with myself. In no way do I see myself like that. What I am saying is that I see why I've gotten the comments I've gotten but I still have insecurities about my looks. My hair is way to frizzy, my nose looks huge when I'm not looking at someone straight on, I have no butt. And I'm learning to be okay with these things.

The reason I wouldn't want to do this to my kids isn't just because it's hard to stay humble. What's harder than that is to look in the mirror and know that the same beauty everyone sees now only has a few years left and accept that. It's scary to me to know that someday the only thing I'll have to rely on is inner beauty (which I know is much more important anyways) and being myself. I don't want that same fear for my children. Inner beauty is what counts, no matter how you look on the outside. It's what will be left behind in the end and what your eternity will be based on. I will tell my children they are beautiful, beautiful in the eyes of the Lord. Because that is what counts.

Proverbs 31:30-31
Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised. Give her the reward she has earned, and let her works bring her praise at the city gate.

My So-Called "Bucket List"

Things to do before I die:
1. See either Wicked or Phantom of the Opera from a front and center seat
2. Go to New York for the Rockefeller Center Christmas tree/New Year's eve ball drop
3. Own the Tiffany's ring I've had my eye on for YEARS now
4. Bring someone to know my precious King of a father, Jesus Christ
5. Have a wheel chair race with Katie in our nursing home
6. See every Broadway show on my list
7. Find a way onto What Not to Wear just for the 5,000 dollars for the new wardrobe, new shoes, new haircut, and amazing make up...and to meet Clinton and Stacy, of course

Freindship

I have two best friends and they mean the world to me. Some days I feel as though I love them the most because compared to my family (who can be quite challenging) they are sane and more importantly, they keep me sane. The Bible is always stressing the importance of surrounding oneself with people who love God and who will be a good influence for your life. Well I'm certain I've hit the jackpot on that one!

My best friend Katie and I have been friends for nearing four years now. It's perfectly clear that God put her in my life because she's absolutely the perfect best friend for me and she came at the perfect time in my life. High school is a difficult time for everybody but most people who come out alive, can thank a group or maybe just one person for their survival. My thanks go to Katherine Anne. She brings out the best and the worst in me and I couldn't be more grateful for that. She's basically my sister (although her mother wouldn't like to hear that so much; she'd think Katie was abandoning her family, poor Mrs. Lisa...). For better or worse, I can count that Katie will always be there for me with a box of Oreo's, a garden hose, lots of impending laughs and...YOUR MOM.

Jeremy didn't actually start out as a friend...more like an acquaintance. We met at church about two years ago and I'm not quite sure what actually happened but we started dating a few weeks later and haven't stopped! Now, he's my best friend and the best boyfriend a girl could hope for. The terms "knight in shinning armor" and "prince charming" don't come close. While we've had our ups and downs over these two incredible years, we've been able to work it out and that's what loving relationships are all about anyways, right? I couldn't imagine living without him in my life in some form or another. I just happened to get lucky enough for him to call me his girlfriend. Jeremy is wise beyond his years and has patiently held my hand through a lot of crazy stuff. (Katie has as well but of course in different ways). While we're currently living on a "don't-know-when-I'll-see-you-again" basis, we've managed to work out the long distance relationship thing. I can't wait to see what God has in store for our relationship and I'm so thankful He put us together!

A man of many companions may come to ruin,
but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother.
Proverbs 18:24

Family Time

For me, my faith in my Savior wouldn't even have occurred without my family. My parents raised me in church and stuck me in a private school as soon as they possibly could. And I wouldn't have it any other way. I know that my family will always love me, support me, welcome me, and comfort me whenever I need it. Although we are certainly not the perfect family, we make do. Let me tell you a little about who raised me. I was born on February 27th to Gary and Kandy Steen. I have two wonderful older sisters, one 10 years older (Jenn) and the other 9 years older (Jessy). Both my parents are amazing gourmet cooks with Harley's and both of my sisters are very artistic though each has her own style. My eldest sister Jennifer is married to Shawn for about three years now and they just had their first baby, Ainsley. My other sister Jessy is married to Ian, the Honduran. I've always looked up to both of my sisters; they are like much cooler other mothers to me and I love them both very much. Jenn tought me how to be "cool" (very important) and Jessy led me to my first inquiries about God. I'm truely blessed to have the family that I do.

Today, we took Ainsley to her first baseball game and she enjoyed it quite alot. Although she drew alot of attention away from the actual game...

Ultimate Royalty

My friends and I always joke that I'm "THE Princess" but, in reality, the whole royalty thing only started because I am the King of King's daughter and I honestly believe that that makes me royalty. Now, that doesn't mean that I act like a princess all the time, certainly not. But I do believe it's time that we all try to live up to our titles as Princes and Princesses of God's kingdom and do some good in his name.

Yet to all who received him, to those who believed in his name, he gave the right to become children of God— children born not of natural descent, nor of human decision or a husband's will, but born of God. The Word became flesh and made his dwelling among us. We have seen his glory, the glory of the One and Only,who came from the Father, full of grace and truth.

John 1:12-14