Week Overview

Needless to say, my first week of senior year was crap. I got a zero on a math quiz. Didn't get a thing right. That class will kill me. I HATE my Spanish 3 class. And I definitely only got two lines in this year's musical. And despite how much I'm hating school, I hate home so much worse. Everywhere I go in my house I have memories of me and Jeremy. I finished cleaning my room out today. There is no evidence I ever dated him except for the two pictures I have decided to keep framed (one from Homecoming and one from Prom) and the portrait I had done of us in Paris and had custom framed for wayyy too much money because I was stupidly convinced we would be together forever. Aside from the pile of his crap that he will have to come get because it'll be too much to mail and the things i just mentioned, it's like he never existed. I just wish I could clean my memory like I cleaned my room.

It's still killing me but I'm trying my hardest to be angry or distracted or something so that I can return to being numb. Meanwhile I've been nausieated since last Sunday and haven't slept more than 20 hours this week.

I started talking to Jack Strickland (My only other Ex) about a month before Jer and I broke up. Not in any sort of romantic sense but asking for advice on how to deal with Jer's departure from our relationship. While Jack made some big mistakes two years ago, he's grown up alot and has really helpful, Godly advice. As funny as it may sound, he's helped me the most out of anyone. It's crazy how God puts people in your life for a reason and when you think they've had their phase in your life, He brings them back. I'm incredibly thankful to have Jack in my life right now.

The only positive thing in my week was seeing Wicked in Austin on Wednesday night and even that wasn't entirely pain free. First of all, Austin in itself makes me think his name. Not to mention that the extra ticket was originally his. But there were two things that really got me. First, the song "As Long as You're Mine" was my ring tone for him for over a year. I was practically hyperventalating to the point of my mom asking me if i needed to step out for a bit. I couldn't even look up to watch it. The love and devotion Fieyero and Elphaba have for each other was something I always thought Jer and I had and watching it made me cry and feel sick at the same time. Not a good combo. Second was when we stopped for gas on our way home, the ladies went to the restroom. Well there were these really scary black guys that basically followed us around the station and in our car and stuff and I just kept wishing that Jer would have been there to protect me. But now that I think about it, he probably wouldn't have.

I just look forward to the day that Jeremy will either see what an idiot he's been and ask for me to take him back or for the day that I move on and it doesn't hurt anymore. Either one would be better than this suffering.