Well, Jeremy's old laptop finally died. The computer didn't die, actually, just the screen. But either way, I can't use it. I feel weird typing this on the family computer...I didn't think I used the laptop so much until it finally went byebye.
New Moon was AMAZING! I've seen it everyday of the opening weekend and I have plans with Jenn to see it tomorrow! As much as I hate that book and don't understand why I willingly subject myself to acute pain, it really is a great movie. Ten billion times better than the first one. And it was great to see Best Friend! Can't wait to see her some more this week!
Jer and I had a conversation over whether or not Edward Cullen was an abusive boyfriend. Of course Jeremy thinks he is and I hold the opposing opinion. He may seem like that but all of his actions are only to keep Bella from harm. And if Bella thought he was abusive, she would have gotten away from him. The thing is, I would want someone like Edward. I want someone who will protect me and who will forever be devoted to me. I don't think that's abuse, I think that's love. But what do I know about love? Clearly, I'm not cut out for it.
I wish people would stop talking about guys I can date. I don't want that. I don't want people trying to set me up and I don't want that attention...or that hope. If I sit here and let people do that, I'll start hoping things that I shouldn't. The only outcome of hope is heartbreak. I can't do that again.
I think seeing New Moon so many times in a row has me in some sort of depressed funk. I need to read/watch something more uplifting. Star Trek maybe?!
Showing posts with label relationships. Show all posts
Showing posts with label relationships. Show all posts
Sunday, November 22, 2009
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
damaged goods
Jordan finally has her first boyfriend. They've been dating since homecoming and he's a really sweet guy but she is completely head over heels. Last wednesday at senior girl bible study she was talking about how they met and telling their story and whatnot and she was saying that she knows that she'll marry Phillip. I'm worried because I felt the same way about Jer. There was never a doubt in my mind...Even when I broke up with him I couldn't believe what I was saying. My mom is still convinced I'll marry him. But I know that none of it was ever true. That future is lost to me and I think that's one of the hardest things about losing him. Not only did I lose my best friend but i lost whatever future I had with him as well. I don't want Jordan to be broken like I am. Especially not with her first boyfriend.
That's another thing. I've accepted the fact that I'm damaged goods. I don't know what guy will ever want that but that's what I am. There are pieces of my heart that I've given away that I'll never get back. A small piece to Jack and a huge one to Jeremy. Whatever heart I have left belongs to God. There's nothing left to give away.
I think reading New Moon was NOT a good idea. I knew that reading it so soon would be hard. And it was. I know exactly the pain she goes through. So not only did I basically subject myself to agonizing emotional pain but it's caused me to see my "love life" in such depressing ways.
No matter how much it hurts or how depressing my personal life may seem, at least I have not sunk back into that numb stupor that I had at times. I haven't hurt my parents like that and I haven't been apathetic towards anything.
We sent in the first deposit to SU today. SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO excited
That's another thing. I've accepted the fact that I'm damaged goods. I don't know what guy will ever want that but that's what I am. There are pieces of my heart that I've given away that I'll never get back. A small piece to Jack and a huge one to Jeremy. Whatever heart I have left belongs to God. There's nothing left to give away.
I think reading New Moon was NOT a good idea. I knew that reading it so soon would be hard. And it was. I know exactly the pain she goes through. So not only did I basically subject myself to agonizing emotional pain but it's caused me to see my "love life" in such depressing ways.
No matter how much it hurts or how depressing my personal life may seem, at least I have not sunk back into that numb stupor that I had at times. I haven't hurt my parents like that and I haven't been apathetic towards anything.
We sent in the first deposit to SU today. SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO excited
Sunday, November 8, 2009
It was the best of times, It was the worst of times
My parents met a the bus stop in sixth grade. They dated my mom's freshman year through her senior year when my dad went off to college and they couldn't do long distance. They got back together my mom's sophomore year in college and a year after that they were married. They are best friends to this day, even if they don't act like it sometimes.
I've heard this story maybe twelve times since August 23. My mother, though she though me and Jeremy were much too serious, is convinced that he and I will get back together when I get to college. This is exactly the kind of thinking I have been avoiding for the past two months. How on earth am I supposed to completely get over him when I have this story and the obnoxious attitude of my mother's constantly shoved down my throat? It makes life so much more difficult when parents don't agree with their children's decisions. Of course, my parents support me but they don't agree with me. And I know they don't know everything that happened but when I'm used to following their every wish...well most every wish, it makes it very difficult to stand behind my personal decisions. Not to mention that there are times when I talk to Jer that I simply forget we're broken up or can't seem to remember why we did.
My life seems to get more and more confusing and blurred as this year progresses. I've learned so much about myself in such a short period of time. And I've seen a side to my family that I never knew existed. But more than anything, I've learned so much about my God. I've always known that He will never give me anything more than I can handle and this year has truly been a testament to that. And yet, I still feel so blessed.
My best friend in the entire world comes home in eleven days. While my life has been so randomly weird and, simply, off these past few months she has been one of my only constants and I can't tell you how grateful I am for her. I love you Katherine Anne :)
I've heard this story maybe twelve times since August 23. My mother, though she though me and Jeremy were much too serious, is convinced that he and I will get back together when I get to college. This is exactly the kind of thinking I have been avoiding for the past two months. How on earth am I supposed to completely get over him when I have this story and the obnoxious attitude of my mother's constantly shoved down my throat? It makes life so much more difficult when parents don't agree with their children's decisions. Of course, my parents support me but they don't agree with me. And I know they don't know everything that happened but when I'm used to following their every wish...well most every wish, it makes it very difficult to stand behind my personal decisions. Not to mention that there are times when I talk to Jer that I simply forget we're broken up or can't seem to remember why we did.
My life seems to get more and more confusing and blurred as this year progresses. I've learned so much about myself in such a short period of time. And I've seen a side to my family that I never knew existed. But more than anything, I've learned so much about my God. I've always known that He will never give me anything more than I can handle and this year has truly been a testament to that. And yet, I still feel so blessed.
My best friend in the entire world comes home in eleven days. While my life has been so randomly weird and, simply, off these past few months she has been one of my only constants and I can't tell you how grateful I am for her. I love you Katherine Anne :)
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
Streaming by in blurs of color
four months from today I will officially be an adult.
High school has gone by so fast and I have the feeling that college will too. It's quite sad but I know it's true.
Today everyone had school pictures and, thankfully, seniors don't have to take them. Instead we get to wear hideous black things that make us look ridiculous. I'd much rather have Mr. Barker take my photo in the nursery of the main building like he has for the past eleven years, but no.
In other news, I got a B on my precal test. I haven't seen it yet so I don't know if I should be disappointed in myself or happy...We shall see.
William was really sweet to me today for the first time all year. I'd forgotten what that's like. He's making my life much harder than it has to be.
I found out something today about one of my friends. From their mouth too so I know it's true. You think you know someone...I'm just amazed sometimes about how in-genuine some people can be. It's quite disappointing.
Why can't everyone feel the way I do about honesty?
High school has gone by so fast and I have the feeling that college will too. It's quite sad but I know it's true.
Today everyone had school pictures and, thankfully, seniors don't have to take them. Instead we get to wear hideous black things that make us look ridiculous. I'd much rather have Mr. Barker take my photo in the nursery of the main building like he has for the past eleven years, but no.
In other news, I got a B on my precal test. I haven't seen it yet so I don't know if I should be disappointed in myself or happy...We shall see.
William was really sweet to me today for the first time all year. I'd forgotten what that's like. He's making my life much harder than it has to be.
I found out something today about one of my friends. From their mouth too so I know it's true. You think you know someone...I'm just amazed sometimes about how in-genuine some people can be. It's quite disappointing.
Why can't everyone feel the way I do about honesty?
Saturday, October 24, 2009
Senioritis
My best friend came to visit me this weekend! :)
We made freaking awesome shirts for the premiere of New Moon in less than a month and did our usual best friend activities. I love her lots :)
Marin is convinced that I "like-like" Will, which I don't, and wants to tell him. Or wants me to tell him. I'm not ready for any of that yet. Thinking about it all makes me feel sick. No one will or can replace Jeremy and that's essentially what the girls at school want me to do. They're tired of me bringing him up and they're all convinced that the best way to get over a guy is to find a new one. I don't want a new one, it's just that Jeremy was my best friend for two years, not to mention he's my go to guy when I have a question about something entirely random. Needless to say, he comes up alot. They're gunna have to get over it.
Work today was so ridiculous. Marcy almost fired JP because he came in late and then proceeded to take it out on all of us. She was in a terrible mood all day and was just horrible, even to her favorite, Danielle. Shelby went on a "day trip" to Monroe and Marcy thinks she's not going to show up to work tomorrow. If she doesn't, Marcy wants to "talk to her" if not fire her...Glad I'm not working tomorrow!
Speaking of which, I get tomorrow off which means I get to hang out with my beautiful niece/goddaughter ALL DAY! I'm so excited! She is the most adorable thing ever!
I can't wait until Christmas break. I'm only one week into this quarter and I'm so ready for it to be over. Senioritis much?
We made freaking awesome shirts for the premiere of New Moon in less than a month and did our usual best friend activities. I love her lots :)
Marin is convinced that I "like-like" Will, which I don't, and wants to tell him. Or wants me to tell him. I'm not ready for any of that yet. Thinking about it all makes me feel sick. No one will or can replace Jeremy and that's essentially what the girls at school want me to do. They're tired of me bringing him up and they're all convinced that the best way to get over a guy is to find a new one. I don't want a new one, it's just that Jeremy was my best friend for two years, not to mention he's my go to guy when I have a question about something entirely random. Needless to say, he comes up alot. They're gunna have to get over it.
Work today was so ridiculous. Marcy almost fired JP because he came in late and then proceeded to take it out on all of us. She was in a terrible mood all day and was just horrible, even to her favorite, Danielle. Shelby went on a "day trip" to Monroe and Marcy thinks she's not going to show up to work tomorrow. If she doesn't, Marcy wants to "talk to her" if not fire her...Glad I'm not working tomorrow!
Speaking of which, I get tomorrow off which means I get to hang out with my beautiful niece/goddaughter ALL DAY! I'm so excited! She is the most adorable thing ever!
I can't wait until Christmas break. I'm only one week into this quarter and I'm so ready for it to be over. Senioritis much?
Thursday, October 22, 2009
Fairy Tale, Smairy Fail
I don't know what I'm doing.
I think I do, but I don't.
I think so often we decide we can fight our own battles alone when we really need help. I'm tired of fighting alone.
I'm in one of those moods where I wish I could will things into existence. I wish they would talk to me, I wish I were accepted to SU already, I wish life were easier...
But if life were easier, there would be no point.
More than anything, I just want to go to college, find a man who will love me and not stop loving me, travel the world, and live happily ever after.
Do fairy tales exist only to dangle dreams in front of girls and then yank them away?
Paramore: Brick by brick lyrics
Well she lives in the fairy tale
Somewhere too far for us to find
Forgotten the taste and smell
Of a world that she's left behind
It's all about the exposure the lens I told her
The angles are all wrong now
She's ripping wings off of butterflies
Keep your feet on the ground
When your head's in the clouds
Well go get your shovel
And we'll dig a deep hole
To bury the castle, bury the castle
Go get your shovel
And we'll dig a deep hole
To bury the castle, bury the castle
Ba da ba ba da ba ba da
So one day he found her crying
Coiled up on the dirty ground
Her prince finally came to save her
And the rest you can figure out
But it was a trick
And the clock struck 12
Well make sure to build your home brick by boring brick
or the wolf's gonna blow it down
Keep your feet on the ground
When your head's in the clouds
Well go get your shovel
And we'll dig a deep hole
To bury the castle, bury the castle
Go get your shovel
And we'll dig a deep hole
To bury the castle, bury the castle
Woah, woah.
Well you built up a world of magic
Because your real life is tragic
Yeah you built up a world of magic
If it's not real
You can't hold it in your hand
You can't feel it with your heart
And I won't believe it
But if it's true
You can see it with your eyes
Or even in the dark
And that's where I want to be, yeah
Go get your shovel
And we'll dig a deep hole
To bury the castle, bury the castle
Go get your shovel
And we'll dig a deep hole
To bury the castle, bury the castle
Ba da ba ba da ba ba da...
I think I do, but I don't.
I think so often we decide we can fight our own battles alone when we really need help. I'm tired of fighting alone.
I'm in one of those moods where I wish I could will things into existence. I wish they would talk to me, I wish I were accepted to SU already, I wish life were easier...
But if life were easier, there would be no point.
More than anything, I just want to go to college, find a man who will love me and not stop loving me, travel the world, and live happily ever after.
Do fairy tales exist only to dangle dreams in front of girls and then yank them away?
Paramore: Brick by brick lyrics
Well she lives in the fairy tale
Somewhere too far for us to find
Forgotten the taste and smell
Of a world that she's left behind
It's all about the exposure the lens I told her
The angles are all wrong now
She's ripping wings off of butterflies
Keep your feet on the ground
When your head's in the clouds
Well go get your shovel
And we'll dig a deep hole
To bury the castle, bury the castle
Go get your shovel
And we'll dig a deep hole
To bury the castle, bury the castle
Ba da ba ba da ba ba da
So one day he found her crying
Coiled up on the dirty ground
Her prince finally came to save her
And the rest you can figure out
But it was a trick
And the clock struck 12
Well make sure to build your home brick by boring brick
or the wolf's gonna blow it down
Keep your feet on the ground
When your head's in the clouds
Well go get your shovel
And we'll dig a deep hole
To bury the castle, bury the castle
Go get your shovel
And we'll dig a deep hole
To bury the castle, bury the castle
Woah, woah.
Well you built up a world of magic
Because your real life is tragic
Yeah you built up a world of magic
If it's not real
You can't hold it in your hand
You can't feel it with your heart
And I won't believe it
But if it's true
You can see it with your eyes
Or even in the dark
And that's where I want to be, yeah
Go get your shovel
And we'll dig a deep hole
To bury the castle, bury the castle
Go get your shovel
And we'll dig a deep hole
To bury the castle, bury the castle
Ba da ba ba da ba ba da...
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
Celebration, Pitty Parties, and Self Control
I got a B in precal! Don't know how I managed it, but I have an 81 on my report card! All I know is that it was totally God and not me. I know I couldn't have done that on my own...
Also, Best Friend is coming home on Friday to make t shirts for the New Moon midnight premier!! Get excited! I want to reread the book but since New Moon is the most sad of the four and considering what happened two months ago, it may not be the best idea. Hysterics probably wouldn't be convenient.
There's not much else to report except that I can't tell you enough how amazing paramore's cd is.
Also, William is slowly being erased from my list. It was never a list but that's the only metaphor I could think of while running on this much sleep. (long night studying for apgov test) It's not that I like him it's that I could like him but I know that it wouldn't be fair to either of us for me to be that way and I think for the first time in almost 18 years now I'm beginning to control myself. Hopefully. No more falling blindly. Look how that turned out.
I miss having someone to talk to that wanted to talk to me back. That part was nice. And having someone to take care of too.
Ok. I need to stop.
The End.
Also, Ainsley is six months old today!!!
Also, Best Friend is coming home on Friday to make t shirts for the New Moon midnight premier!! Get excited! I want to reread the book but since New Moon is the most sad of the four and considering what happened two months ago, it may not be the best idea. Hysterics probably wouldn't be convenient.
There's not much else to report except that I can't tell you enough how amazing paramore's cd is.
Also, William is slowly being erased from my list. It was never a list but that's the only metaphor I could think of while running on this much sleep. (long night studying for apgov test) It's not that I like him it's that I could like him but I know that it wouldn't be fair to either of us for me to be that way and I think for the first time in almost 18 years now I'm beginning to control myself. Hopefully. No more falling blindly. Look how that turned out.
I miss having someone to talk to that wanted to talk to me back. That part was nice. And having someone to take care of too.
Ok. I need to stop.
The End.
Also, Ainsley is six months old today!!!
Sunday, October 18, 2009
Make it stop
This weekend has been pretty crappy even though I had Friday off.
Actually, Friday was my only decent day. I got to sleep in, spend the day with my niece, and goof off until work. And then I came home and watched a Pride and Prejudice twice in a row on Oxygen and sent quotes via text to Katie. Wow, I have no life.
Saturday was where things went wrong.
First of all, Marcy asked me to come in an hour early. I normally don't mind coming in early but an hour just to restock a hand full of items and windex the counters. So I didn't have much to do the majority of that hour. Then I worked for eight more hours while the store was actually open. By closing time, I was absolutely exhausted. Not to mention the drama with my friends. And yes, I can say friends now. It was a very overwhelming day. When I got home, I tried for two hours to turn our front tv on because I knew that the second my parents got home, they'd kick me out of their room. It never did turn on. We have to call a repair guy this week. I hope my parents know I'll be watching House in their room tomorrow, no matter what. So anyway, out of shear frustration and confusion I spent most of those two hours crying on the couch. It was pathetic. But then Will called and we talked for a bit and he made life better. Then he went and got into a car wreck and the Shiny Silver Volvo might be totaled. That's too bad. I liked knowing a shiny silver Volvo owner. It made me feel like Bella Swan. Will's ok though which is what matters.
So as you can imagine, I was exhausted all day today. I even showed up late to work, I was so groggy when I woke up, I didn't even pay attention to the time most of the morning. But when I got home, there was Ainsley. I am so in love with my baby niece! She is the cutest thing in the entire world and I know I say that every time I mention her but she really is! She's starting to crawl! AND we can put clips in her hair now! It's the most amazing thing to make her laugh or smile.
I've been asked out for the fourth time by the same guy. I don't think he understands that I'm not dating for a year even though I've said it several times. If he asks again, I swear I'll throw up. I hate saying no but I honestly don't want to go out with him.
HELP ME
Actually, Friday was my only decent day. I got to sleep in, spend the day with my niece, and goof off until work. And then I came home and watched a Pride and Prejudice twice in a row on Oxygen and sent quotes via text to Katie. Wow, I have no life.
Saturday was where things went wrong.
First of all, Marcy asked me to come in an hour early. I normally don't mind coming in early but an hour just to restock a hand full of items and windex the counters. So I didn't have much to do the majority of that hour. Then I worked for eight more hours while the store was actually open. By closing time, I was absolutely exhausted. Not to mention the drama with my friends. And yes, I can say friends now. It was a very overwhelming day. When I got home, I tried for two hours to turn our front tv on because I knew that the second my parents got home, they'd kick me out of their room. It never did turn on. We have to call a repair guy this week. I hope my parents know I'll be watching House in their room tomorrow, no matter what. So anyway, out of shear frustration and confusion I spent most of those two hours crying on the couch. It was pathetic. But then Will called and we talked for a bit and he made life better. Then he went and got into a car wreck and the Shiny Silver Volvo might be totaled. That's too bad. I liked knowing a shiny silver Volvo owner. It made me feel like Bella Swan. Will's ok though which is what matters.
So as you can imagine, I was exhausted all day today. I even showed up late to work, I was so groggy when I woke up, I didn't even pay attention to the time most of the morning. But when I got home, there was Ainsley. I am so in love with my baby niece! She is the cutest thing in the entire world and I know I say that every time I mention her but she really is! She's starting to crawl! AND we can put clips in her hair now! It's the most amazing thing to make her laugh or smile.
I've been asked out for the fourth time by the same guy. I don't think he understands that I'm not dating for a year even though I've said it several times. If he asks again, I swear I'll throw up. I hate saying no but I honestly don't want to go out with him.
HELP ME
Friday, October 16, 2009
What I learned today
So here's what I learned today:
1. I can do pre cal but not algebra
2. I can throw a mean punch to the stomach and enjoy it but...
3. I can't run faster than Will
4. Oakley's look amazing on me
5. Marcy wishes I were her daughter
6. Certain people look better in a Best Buy uniform than others
7. The rules of Sprite Pong (the private school version of beer pong)
8. Haley is an AMAZING fake cryer
9. I should NEVER try to drive to Marin's at night
10. I belong to the weirdest senior class EVER
1. I can do pre cal but not algebra
2. I can throw a mean punch to the stomach and enjoy it but...
3. I can't run faster than Will
4. Oakley's look amazing on me
5. Marcy wishes I were her daughter
6. Certain people look better in a Best Buy uniform than others
7. The rules of Sprite Pong (the private school version of beer pong)
8. Haley is an AMAZING fake cryer
9. I should NEVER try to drive to Marin's at night
10. I belong to the weirdest senior class EVER
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
Christmas in NY?!?!?!
Today has been a really good day! :)
Everyone had PSATs today so seniors didn't have to come to school till noon and then we just goofed off the rest of the day. I stayed for math lab because we have a quiz tomorrow and I'm a bit confused but I think I got it...hopefully.
After school I went out to my car and W and Chase and Kristina were chillin out there so I joined them and then returned something to the office with W who proceeded to send a text to C saying "i just want to be friends and i'm not attracted to you so leave me alone."
Don't worry.
I hit him.
We're going to New York for Christmas!
Well, not for Christmas. Every year my parents take me and my Best Friend on a trip during Christmas break and this year it's pretty much decided that we're going to New York! Which means I get to be there while the Rockefeller Christmas tree is up!!!! You have no idea how excited I am!!!!! And my dad asked for a list of shows that should we go to NY, I would want to see!!!
AND Glee comes on tonight!
Man, Wednesday's are the best.
Everyone had PSATs today so seniors didn't have to come to school till noon and then we just goofed off the rest of the day. I stayed for math lab because we have a quiz tomorrow and I'm a bit confused but I think I got it...hopefully.
After school I went out to my car and W and Chase and Kristina were chillin out there so I joined them and then returned something to the office with W who proceeded to send a text to C saying "i just want to be friends and i'm not attracted to you so leave me alone."
Don't worry.
I hit him.
We're going to New York for Christmas!
Well, not for Christmas. Every year my parents take me and my Best Friend on a trip during Christmas break and this year it's pretty much decided that we're going to New York! Which means I get to be there while the Rockefeller Christmas tree is up!!!! You have no idea how excited I am!!!!! And my dad asked for a list of shows that should we go to NY, I would want to see!!!
AND Glee comes on tonight!
Man, Wednesday's are the best.
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
Modern Day Jonah
I think I lost my head this week. To think that I even had a chance with that guy is ridiculous. I lost sight of my goal already and I've only been single for two months now, what the heck was I thinking? Can I not have guy friends without thinking it's something more?
My life is a mess. God, come help me clean!!!
I think I just keep loosing sight of God. I get close, and then back up, get close and back up. Maybe that's normal. After all, I'm a sinner and sin separates us from God's love. Or maybe I'm just a huge idiot.
According to my Pre Cal grade, it's the second one.
I cried in class again today. That makes three classes in a row.
I want to back up time to a certain part of Saturday night and stay there.
Or I just want to go to an all girls school and become a nun. I think I'll do that.
C won't leave me alone. STILL.
And W is either in a bad mood, or is repelled. I wouldn't be surprised by either. I'm giving up for a week.
If I guy wants me, he'll act like he wants me. I'm glad I read He's just NOT that into you. I didn't think any of it would ever apply to me. I thought I would never have to date again. Yet, here I am.
I can't wait till Best Friend comes home! She can't even spend the night but I'll just be happy to hang with her! I need a constant in my life.
More and more today I realized how often I try to back away from what God wants me to do. And then He shows me that I'm not doing what He wants and I try to follow His path and then just end up like Jonah.
Where's my fish?
My life is a mess. God, come help me clean!!!
I think I just keep loosing sight of God. I get close, and then back up, get close and back up. Maybe that's normal. After all, I'm a sinner and sin separates us from God's love. Or maybe I'm just a huge idiot.
According to my Pre Cal grade, it's the second one.
I cried in class again today. That makes three classes in a row.
I want to back up time to a certain part of Saturday night and stay there.
Or I just want to go to an all girls school and become a nun. I think I'll do that.
C won't leave me alone. STILL.
And W is either in a bad mood, or is repelled. I wouldn't be surprised by either. I'm giving up for a week.
If I guy wants me, he'll act like he wants me. I'm glad I read He's just NOT that into you. I didn't think any of it would ever apply to me. I thought I would never have to date again. Yet, here I am.
I can't wait till Best Friend comes home! She can't even spend the night but I'll just be happy to hang with her! I need a constant in my life.
More and more today I realized how often I try to back away from what God wants me to do. And then He shows me that I'm not doing what He wants and I try to follow His path and then just end up like Jonah.
Where's my fish?
Monday, October 12, 2009
Pre Caculus is the spawn of satan and should die a dark, lonley death in the firey pits of the darkest circles of hell
This week I will be receiving my first c on a report card ever. that's what i get for driving away my handy dandy tutor. I broke the rules today and asked him for a recipe but i doubt he'll answer. I just need to know that he's ok. Also, I miss his yummy delicious burritos.
Pre Cal is kicking my butt. So not only will I have a c at the end of this quarter, I won't have any a's. Of course, the c will count as a b and the b's will count as a's GPA wise but still. It's a total blow to my confidence. And it ruins my chances of high honor roll for four consecutive years. And I think it blows my chances of honor roll too...great. I freaking HATE math!!!!!!!!!
The thing is, I'm going to go to college and get a BA in something that only requires two semesters of college algebra and then I will NEVER touch higher level mathematics again! WHY ON EARTH IS PRE CALCULUS NECESSARY!?!?!?! UGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!
ok i'm done venting.
meanwhile i'm pretty sure my HC date, Christian, likes me. And this other kid, Will, the one who saved my night. The thing is, I'm not ok with Christian liking me but I am ok with Will. Don't get me wrong, I'm not dating till college. It won't happen. It's not fair to any guy I could be interested in if I'm still hung up on Jeremy. Which I'm still trying to get over. But until that day comes, no boys.
ANYWAYS, that's my life. Not to mention the three projects and two tests I have this week. And i work thursday through tuesday. whoopeeyyyyy.
I'm finishing Issiah this week. Any thoughts on what book I should start next?
Pre Cal is kicking my butt. So not only will I have a c at the end of this quarter, I won't have any a's. Of course, the c will count as a b and the b's will count as a's GPA wise but still. It's a total blow to my confidence. And it ruins my chances of high honor roll for four consecutive years. And I think it blows my chances of honor roll too...great. I freaking HATE math!!!!!!!!!
The thing is, I'm going to go to college and get a BA in something that only requires two semesters of college algebra and then I will NEVER touch higher level mathematics again! WHY ON EARTH IS PRE CALCULUS NECESSARY!?!?!?! UGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!
ok i'm done venting.
meanwhile i'm pretty sure my HC date, Christian, likes me. And this other kid, Will, the one who saved my night. The thing is, I'm not ok with Christian liking me but I am ok with Will. Don't get me wrong, I'm not dating till college. It won't happen. It's not fair to any guy I could be interested in if I'm still hung up on Jeremy. Which I'm still trying to get over. But until that day comes, no boys.
ANYWAYS, that's my life. Not to mention the three projects and two tests I have this week. And i work thursday through tuesday. whoopeeyyyyy.
I'm finishing Issiah this week. Any thoughts on what book I should start next?
Sunday, October 11, 2009
Silver Screen
Silver Screen
by Jackie Steen
I wish we could fly away on a cloud,
Take the best of my days and record them somehow
Play back time on the silver screen
To watch and to never forget
I wish I could say how I feel,
Lay out my words like a film reel,
Play out time on the silver screen,
To watch and to never forget
I wish I knew who you are,
To tell me how things are so far
Play out time on the silver screen
To watch and to never forget
I wish we had a future together,
Not some fling that could change like the weather
Play out time on the silver screen
To watch and to never forget
I wish I could know what you'll say,
Wait by the mailbox day after day
Play out time on the silver screen
To watch and to never forget
I wish I knew you felt the same,
Luck says you don't remember my name
Play out time on the silver screen
To watch and to never forget
I wish a lot of silly things
Only God knows what's on my heart strings
Play out time on the silver screen
To watch and never forget
by Jackie Steen
I wish we could fly away on a cloud,
Take the best of my days and record them somehow
Play back time on the silver screen
To watch and to never forget
I wish I could say how I feel,
Lay out my words like a film reel,
Play out time on the silver screen,
To watch and to never forget
I wish I knew who you are,
To tell me how things are so far
Play out time on the silver screen
To watch and to never forget
I wish we had a future together,
Not some fling that could change like the weather
Play out time on the silver screen
To watch and to never forget
I wish I could know what you'll say,
Wait by the mailbox day after day
Play out time on the silver screen
To watch and to never forget
I wish I knew you felt the same,
Luck says you don't remember my name
Play out time on the silver screen
To watch and to never forget
I wish a lot of silly things
Only God knows what's on my heart strings
Play out time on the silver screen
To watch and never forget
Friday, October 9, 2009
Stop kidding yourself and face the facts
I miss him.
alot.
It doesn't matter what he did to me or what he said or how many times i try to convince myself i'm better off without him. The truth behind everything is that i miss him like crazy and i hate trying to convince myself otherwise. I can't lie to myself when i know the truth.
Tonight's the game and tomorrow's the dance. I'm gunna go out there and put on my biggest smile and act like it's the best weekend of my life. And it probably will be up there. But it won't be nearly the same with the memories I have of last year and the year before.
i hate this.
alot.
It doesn't matter what he did to me or what he said or how many times i try to convince myself i'm better off without him. The truth behind everything is that i miss him like crazy and i hate trying to convince myself otherwise. I can't lie to myself when i know the truth.
Tonight's the game and tomorrow's the dance. I'm gunna go out there and put on my biggest smile and act like it's the best weekend of my life. And it probably will be up there. But it won't be nearly the same with the memories I have of last year and the year before.
i hate this.
Sunday, October 4, 2009
It's been too long...
It's been a long time, I know. School is crazy, as it is every year. I don't think teachers realize that we have other classes besides theirs. And on top of other classes we have lives and college crap to deal with. But I have time to write now so I think I will :)
I'm good, thanks for asking! Well, my allergies are killing me again this year but I've managed to keep breathing which is a complete upgrade from last year. My voice has been going in and out though which might be a sign that my vocal cords are deciding to hate me again. we'll see...
Homecoming is this week and I'm crazy excited! I have the most beautiful dress and I asked Christian so I know I'll have fun! We're going with Joey and Shealynn and hopefully a whole bunch of other people so that'll be great :) I just don't want to eat at iHop which is where Joey wants to go. I'm going with Chili's I think! This week will be amazing. The only bad thing is that I have a pre cal test Wednesday but other than that, I'm livin it up!
I've spent so much more time hanging out with friends than I have since junior high.
It feels nice to be able to spend time with people besides my parents and family.
Speaking of which, Ainsley is the most adorable thing ever made! She grows more and more every time I see her and she's continuously laughing and smiling and giggling. She is such a joy in my life and I'm so glad to have her during this time.
Also, I've officially sent in my application to Southwestern University. It is now out of my hands and into the admissions' people's. and God's of course. I have no doubt that I'll get in and if I don't, it'll be a surprise. My grades and scores are good enough. They just have to like me and I sincerely hope they will. I'm extatic about being a Pirate! and Chase got accepted to Concordia in Austin so I'll have a friend nearby which is a total relief.
As for Jeremy? We aren't talking. About a week ago, we decided it'd be better for both of us not to talk for at least a year. Well, i decided that because he wasn't talking to me so I said maybe when I get up there and he never responded. I hope he's doing well.
I've thought of half a dozen things that I'd like to tell him and it's hard to refrane but knowing that he doesn't care and wouldn't answer me anyways helps to resist texting or messaging him. Honestly, I do feel better without him but it still SUCKS butt being single. I'll get over it though.
If I learn anything this year it's that I don't need a guy to complete me.
I'm good, thanks for asking! Well, my allergies are killing me again this year but I've managed to keep breathing which is a complete upgrade from last year. My voice has been going in and out though which might be a sign that my vocal cords are deciding to hate me again. we'll see...
Homecoming is this week and I'm crazy excited! I have the most beautiful dress and I asked Christian so I know I'll have fun! We're going with Joey and Shealynn and hopefully a whole bunch of other people so that'll be great :) I just don't want to eat at iHop which is where Joey wants to go. I'm going with Chili's I think! This week will be amazing. The only bad thing is that I have a pre cal test Wednesday but other than that, I'm livin it up!I've spent so much more time hanging out with friends than I have since junior high.
It feels nice to be able to spend time with people besides my parents and family.Speaking of which, Ainsley is the most adorable thing ever made! She grows more and more every time I see her and she's continuously laughing and smiling and giggling. She is such a joy in my life and I'm so glad to have her during this time.
Also, I've officially sent in my application to Southwestern University. It is now out of my hands and into the admissions' people's. and God's of course. I have no doubt that I'll get in and if I don't, it'll be a surprise. My grades and scores are good enough. They just have to like me and I sincerely hope they will. I'm extatic about being a Pirate! and Chase got accepted to Concordia in Austin so I'll have a friend nearby which is a total relief.
As for Jeremy? We aren't talking. About a week ago, we decided it'd be better for both of us not to talk for at least a year. Well, i decided that because he wasn't talking to me so I said maybe when I get up there and he never responded. I hope he's doing well.
I've thought of half a dozen things that I'd like to tell him and it's hard to refrane but knowing that he doesn't care and wouldn't answer me anyways helps to resist texting or messaging him. Honestly, I do feel better without him but it still SUCKS butt being single. I'll get over it though.
If I learn anything this year it's that I don't need a guy to complete me.
Sunday, September 6, 2009
New Found Freedom
I've come a long way in just two weeks. And I'm happy I have. I feel free. Like the world is my oyster and I'm not being held down. It'll be a good thing to start college without a boyfriend. I still HATE being single but right now, it's refreshing. Homecoming is in just over a month and I'm not looking forward to that fiasco. Well, I am. It's Senior year after all. But who I'll go with, I don't know. Probably Claire and Marin. Hopefully.
Today should have been our 27 month anniversary. I should be in bed in the fetal position but I've been good. I'm considering that maybe I felt the same way he did but I just didn't know it. For the longest time I was convinced I couldn't live without him but maybe I always knew I could.
God certainly has interesting timing and just as I knew I'd come to find something good in his recent timing, I did. I will not have dated a single day in senior year. Boys are off limits until I find someone who is looking for marriage and who is looking for me. And I refuse to consider anyone who does not pursue me first. (Wise advice via Katheryn M.) I'm going to make this year great. No one will hold me back.
In other news, Gary Bentz has throat cancer and my parents' two week tour of the States may be canceled. We'll see. My parents are pretty shaken up though.
Also, I miss Ainsley like nobody's business! Last time I saw her, she had HAIR! dark, thick, short hair! I can't wait to meet her and get to know her. She's sooooo adorable.
Before I go, I must share with you, my readers, whoever you are, my theme song for the week. It's been in my head since Friday and it fits perfectly to my life right now. Welcome to the world of Thoroughly Modern Millie.
Today should have been our 27 month anniversary. I should be in bed in the fetal position but I've been good. I'm considering that maybe I felt the same way he did but I just didn't know it. For the longest time I was convinced I couldn't live without him but maybe I always knew I could.
God certainly has interesting timing and just as I knew I'd come to find something good in his recent timing, I did. I will not have dated a single day in senior year. Boys are off limits until I find someone who is looking for marriage and who is looking for me. And I refuse to consider anyone who does not pursue me first. (Wise advice via Katheryn M.) I'm going to make this year great. No one will hold me back.
In other news, Gary Bentz has throat cancer and my parents' two week tour of the States may be canceled. We'll see. My parents are pretty shaken up though.
Also, I miss Ainsley like nobody's business! Last time I saw her, she had HAIR! dark, thick, short hair! I can't wait to meet her and get to know her. She's sooooo adorable.
Before I go, I must share with you, my readers, whoever you are, my theme song for the week. It's been in my head since Friday and it fits perfectly to my life right now. Welcome to the world of Thoroughly Modern Millie.
No canary in a tree for me
This canary's ready to fly free
Cut the cord
Is that a man I once adored?
He's nothing but an albatross
No great loss
Doublecrosser
Forget about the boy
Pull the plug
Ain't he the one who pulled the rug
He's lower than an alley cat
Dirty rat
And I flatter
Forget about the boy
Forget about the boy
Forget about the boy
And in the moonlight
Don't you think about him
Sister, you're much better off without him
You can blow the blues a kiss goodbye
And put the sun back in the sky
For when he comes crawlin'
I'm not fallin'
Shout hooray and halleluh!
Now me and mister wrong are through
I'll find myself another beau
Who I know is no rover
Forget about the boy
This canary's ready to fly free
Cut the cord
Is that a man I once adored?
He's nothing but an albatross
No great loss
Doublecrosser
Forget about the boy
Pull the plug
Ain't he the one who pulled the rug
He's lower than an alley cat
Dirty rat
And I flatter
Forget about the boy
Forget about the boy
Forget about the boy
And in the moonlight
Don't you think about him
Sister, you're much better off without him
You can blow the blues a kiss goodbye
And put the sun back in the sky
For when he comes crawlin'
I'm not fallin'
Shout hooray and halleluh!
Now me and mister wrong are through
I'll find myself another beau
Who I know is no rover
Forget about the boy
Forget about the boy
Friday, September 4, 2009
Revelation
I came to a startling revelation today at work. I don't want Jeremy back. I thought I did. I thought he was the best there was. But in truth, he was never as perfect as I made him. Talking to him today, I was humbled by his unfriendliness. I know he wasn't trying to be unfriendly but that's how he came off. Today confirmed, officially, I did the right thing. I can look at pictures and not feel pain, say his name and not feel anything. I'm not over him. That will take time. I'm still attached to him. He was too much a part of my life to just throw away immediately. Not that I will ever "throw him away." He will always have a special place in my heart. But today I realized that I'm better off without him. That, as much as I HATE being single, I know that taking him back now would just be to have a boyfriend, not because I want him back.
I don't know what God has planned for the future. And that scares the crap out of me. But I know that He has someone amazing planned for me. Someone who will take care of me and love me and want me forever. I hate not knowing who and when but I know it'll happen. I know I deserve better than someone who was unhappy to be with me and I know that I need someone who will keep my focus on Christ and not on him.
Maybe someday Jeremy and I will have a future again. But I doubt it. And I'm ok with that. Because I know there's someone better, as hard as it is to imagine.
The future is scary. But I have God on my side. I know He'll get me through anything.
I don't know what God has planned for the future. And that scares the crap out of me. But I know that He has someone amazing planned for me. Someone who will take care of me and love me and want me forever. I hate not knowing who and when but I know it'll happen. I know I deserve better than someone who was unhappy to be with me and I know that I need someone who will keep my focus on Christ and not on him.
Maybe someday Jeremy and I will have a future again. But I doubt it. And I'm ok with that. Because I know there's someone better, as hard as it is to imagine.
The future is scary. But I have God on my side. I know He'll get me through anything.
"There's been a change in me
A kind of moving on
Though what I used to be
I still depend on
For now I realize
That good can come from bad
That may not make me wise
But oh it makes me glad"
Beauty and the Beast (Broadway)
A kind of moving on
Though what I used to be
I still depend on
For now I realize
That good can come from bad
That may not make me wise
But oh it makes me glad"
Beauty and the Beast (Broadway)
Thursday, September 3, 2009
Week Update
failing pre-cal + heavy work week + tons of homework + an exboyfriend who practically hates me and i don't understand why = STRESS
I've been exhausted all week. I have had sooo much stupid-butt homework assigned this week, it's not even funny. They're basically sending home busywork and pointless reading assignments. Not to mention I have to write a paper in Bible! What the heck!?
Work's been either REALLY busy or REALLY boring. Basically from now until Christmas, I'll be working in the back which I'm totally fine with. I only mess up at work when I'm interacting with customers. They intimidate me...or maybe it's just that my boss watching over my shoulder after over a year intimidates me. Either way, the back is where I belong. I'm the fastest organizer/finder of homes for new toys at Learning Express Katy. But today we got 45 boxes which doesn't sound like that much but trust me, when there's, like, a dozen things in each box, it all adds up. When I worked on Tuesday, we had gotten 75 boxes and it took me most of my shift to finish. We'll only receive more until Christmas.
My boss made us fill out a test/questionnaire type thing on the September catalog. That was intense. It was three pages of how to sell the new products along with the items that haven't been selling well. My boss is going to read them tonight and basically grade them. It just felt like more busywork to me.
Tomorrow is Friday and Friday's are my new favorite days. They are the last day of the school week so you can see the light of the weekend ahead but you're still hanging out with all your friends. Not to mention that Seniors (CLASS OF 10) get to wear jeans on Fridays AND go off campus for lunch! I know, it sounds silly to be excited about wearing jeans to school but when you've been in ill fitting uniforms for 11 years, jeans once a week feels AMAZING.
I'm still coping with losing him. It's hard to say his name both out loud and in my head. Not physically hard but more that I don't say it because it'll send waves of unpleasant memories and knowledge through me. I'm getting better every day. The most painful thing is that I can't let go until I know what I did to make him not want me anymore. So we've been talking, me trying to get into his head. He's hard to understand sometimes in the first place but when he's someone I don't even know, it's harder. I just don't understand how he could change so drastically and so against his character SO SUDDENLY. That's what's confusing. That's what's making everything so hard. It's not like the boy I knew to love me one second and then have no feelings for me whatsoever the next. He was the one that took forever to tell me he loved me because he wanted to make sure that's really what he felt. And then all the sudden it's gone? That just doesn't happen. And that just doesn't happen to him.
I want him back. But not the boy that I broke up with. The boy I fell in love with to begin with. I know he doesn't feel the same but part of me believes that I can show him he's wrong. That I can change his mind. That everyday without me, he's one step closer to coming back to me. But I try not to allow myself to think those things. I know that I can't hope him back into my life. I know that he doesn't feel that way about me and probably never will. But that hope is still there. I can't help it.
Until next time
I've been exhausted all week. I have had sooo much stupid-butt homework assigned this week, it's not even funny. They're basically sending home busywork and pointless reading assignments. Not to mention I have to write a paper in Bible! What the heck!?
Work's been either REALLY busy or REALLY boring. Basically from now until Christmas, I'll be working in the back which I'm totally fine with. I only mess up at work when I'm interacting with customers. They intimidate me...or maybe it's just that my boss watching over my shoulder after over a year intimidates me. Either way, the back is where I belong. I'm the fastest organizer/finder of homes for new toys at Learning Express Katy. But today we got 45 boxes which doesn't sound like that much but trust me, when there's, like, a dozen things in each box, it all adds up. When I worked on Tuesday, we had gotten 75 boxes and it took me most of my shift to finish. We'll only receive more until Christmas.
My boss made us fill out a test/questionnaire type thing on the September catalog. That was intense. It was three pages of how to sell the new products along with the items that haven't been selling well. My boss is going to read them tonight and basically grade them. It just felt like more busywork to me.
Tomorrow is Friday and Friday's are my new favorite days. They are the last day of the school week so you can see the light of the weekend ahead but you're still hanging out with all your friends. Not to mention that Seniors (CLASS OF 10) get to wear jeans on Fridays AND go off campus for lunch! I know, it sounds silly to be excited about wearing jeans to school but when you've been in ill fitting uniforms for 11 years, jeans once a week feels AMAZING.
I'm still coping with losing him. It's hard to say his name both out loud and in my head. Not physically hard but more that I don't say it because it'll send waves of unpleasant memories and knowledge through me. I'm getting better every day. The most painful thing is that I can't let go until I know what I did to make him not want me anymore. So we've been talking, me trying to get into his head. He's hard to understand sometimes in the first place but when he's someone I don't even know, it's harder. I just don't understand how he could change so drastically and so against his character SO SUDDENLY. That's what's confusing. That's what's making everything so hard. It's not like the boy I knew to love me one second and then have no feelings for me whatsoever the next. He was the one that took forever to tell me he loved me because he wanted to make sure that's really what he felt. And then all the sudden it's gone? That just doesn't happen. And that just doesn't happen to him.
I want him back. But not the boy that I broke up with. The boy I fell in love with to begin with. I know he doesn't feel the same but part of me believes that I can show him he's wrong. That I can change his mind. That everyday without me, he's one step closer to coming back to me. But I try not to allow myself to think those things. I know that I can't hope him back into my life. I know that he doesn't feel that way about me and probably never will. But that hope is still there. I can't help it.
Until next time
Saturday, August 29, 2009
Must Have:
So while I'm certainly no where near ready to be in another relationship just yet, I've given a lot of thought to what i should look for in the future. Here is my list so far:
1. Loves Jesus more than he loves me
2. Loves Me alot
3. Can make me laugh very easily
4. Is proud to be with me (aka shows me off)
5. Gets along with my Daddy
Ideally he:
1. has dimples
2. is ridiculously smart
3. is really cheesy and dorky
4. has beautiful eyes
5. can dance and can teach me how
if you know anyone who fits that perfectly, let me know. I'm open.
1. Loves Jesus more than he loves me
2. Loves Me alot
3. Can make me laugh very easily
4. Is proud to be with me (aka shows me off)
5. Gets along with my Daddy
Ideally he:
1. has dimples
2. is ridiculously smart
3. is really cheesy and dorky
4. has beautiful eyes
5. can dance and can teach me how
if you know anyone who fits that perfectly, let me know. I'm open.
Friday, August 28, 2009
Week Overview
Needless to say, my first week of senior year was crap. I got a zero on a math quiz. Didn't get a thing right. That class will kill me. I HATE my Spanish 3 class. And I definitely only got two lines in this year's musical. And despite how much I'm hating school, I hate home so much worse. Everywhere I go in my house I have memories of me and Jeremy. I finished cleaning my room out today. There is no evidence I ever dated him except for the two pictures I have decided to keep framed (one from Homecoming and one from Prom) and the portrait I had done of us in Paris and had custom framed for wayyy too much money because I was stupidly convinced we would be together forever. Aside from the pile of his crap that he will have to come get because it'll be too much to mail and the things i just mentioned, it's like he never existed. I just wish I could clean my memory like I cleaned my room.
It's still killing me but I'm trying my hardest to be angry or distracted or something so that I can return to being numb. Meanwhile I've been nausieated since last Sunday and haven't slept more than 20 hours this week.
I started talking to Jack Strickland (My only other Ex) about a month before Jer and I broke up. Not in any sort of romantic sense but asking for advice on how to deal with Jer's departure from our relationship. While Jack made some big mistakes two years ago, he's grown up alot and has really helpful, Godly advice. As funny as it may sound, he's helped me the most out of anyone. It's crazy how God puts people in your life for a reason and when you think they've had their phase in your life, He brings them back. I'm incredibly thankful to have Jack in my life right now.
The only positive thing in my week was seeing Wicked in Austin on Wednesday night and even that wasn't entirely pain free. First of all, Austin in itself makes me think his name. Not to mention that the extra ticket was originally his. But there were two things that really got me. First, the song "As Long as You're Mine" was my ring tone for him for over a year. I was practically hyperventalating to the point of my mom asking me if i needed to step out for a bit. I couldn't even look up to watch it. The love and devotion Fieyero and Elphaba have for each other was something I always thought Jer and I had and watching it made me cry and feel sick at the same time. Not a good combo. Second was when we stopped for gas on our way home, the ladies went to the restroom. Well there were these really scary black guys that basically followed us around the station and in our car and stuff and I just kept wishing that Jer would have been there to protect me. But now that I think about it, he probably wouldn't have.
I just look forward to the day that Jeremy will either see what an idiot he's been and ask for me to take him back or for the day that I move on and it doesn't hurt anymore. Either one would be better than this suffering.
It's still killing me but I'm trying my hardest to be angry or distracted or something so that I can return to being numb. Meanwhile I've been nausieated since last Sunday and haven't slept more than 20 hours this week.
I started talking to Jack Strickland (My only other Ex) about a month before Jer and I broke up. Not in any sort of romantic sense but asking for advice on how to deal with Jer's departure from our relationship. While Jack made some big mistakes two years ago, he's grown up alot and has really helpful, Godly advice. As funny as it may sound, he's helped me the most out of anyone. It's crazy how God puts people in your life for a reason and when you think they've had their phase in your life, He brings them back. I'm incredibly thankful to have Jack in my life right now.
The only positive thing in my week was seeing Wicked in Austin on Wednesday night and even that wasn't entirely pain free. First of all, Austin in itself makes me think his name. Not to mention that the extra ticket was originally his. But there were two things that really got me. First, the song "As Long as You're Mine" was my ring tone for him for over a year. I was practically hyperventalating to the point of my mom asking me if i needed to step out for a bit. I couldn't even look up to watch it. The love and devotion Fieyero and Elphaba have for each other was something I always thought Jer and I had and watching it made me cry and feel sick at the same time. Not a good combo. Second was when we stopped for gas on our way home, the ladies went to the restroom. Well there were these really scary black guys that basically followed us around the station and in our car and stuff and I just kept wishing that Jer would have been there to protect me. But now that I think about it, he probably wouldn't have.
I just look forward to the day that Jeremy will either see what an idiot he's been and ask for me to take him back or for the day that I move on and it doesn't hurt anymore. Either one would be better than this suffering.
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