Mawige is what bwings us togever todayee

It's amazing the conversations that come up at school. You wouldn't believe some of the things these sheltered private school kids come up with. Granted, I'm one of them. But today I sort of stood out of all of it and looked at my friends who were so enthralled in what's being said and noticed for the first time in twelve years how ridiculous we look.
I want to know what will happen to me when I'm not in my private school bubble. I'm certainly not the innocent kid I was a few years ago and I'm most definitely "damaged goods" but the main thing is that I've never had to make new friends...not really. Everyone I know has known me for a long time and they all get me. What am I going to do when I'm surrounded by strangers? Which brings me to my next point. In bible class we're talking about marriage which of course gets me wondering who will I marry? When I was little I always saw myself marrying on of my friends from school, someone I would have known for forever and who would have been part of my childhood. Freshman year, I saw myself marrying someone like Jack, if not Jack. He's a great guy and I couldn't imagine being treated any better...until Jeremy came. And then from that point till two months ago I was convinced he was the one. But now, who's left? I see the boys at my school as brothers. How can I not? I've grown up with all of them. And I will not marry Jack...for many reasons. But that's not to say that he's not a great guy. And clearly, Jeremy's out of the picture. That only leaves someone I'll meet at school...But the thing is, Southwestern may be Methodist but I have a feeling that the majority of the students who go there don't care about faith. I may be wrong but that's just how it seems to me. So how am I supposed to find a good Christian guy who loves Jesus in a very liberal school in a very liberal part of the state? Ugh. I'm too young to be worrying about all this but I can't help that it's in the back of my mind...
I'm sorry for ranting so much. I looked back at some previous posts and realized that I sure do talk alot...Oh well :)

This Week

This week
has gone by SO slowly. Yesterday I woke up thinking it was today and that really threw me off. It's not like I have anything to look forward to this weekend it's just that this week keeps dragging on...
I've gotten two letters from Southwestern this week. Both of them were just informational letters about the application process and so forth. It's really annoying to come home and you're parents say that you've gotten a letter from the only school you've applied to and it's just stuff you already know...
Sunday is my mommy's birthday and all of my family is coming over to celebrate and play pictionary. I think it'll be nice.
Candice and Zach are in Ireland for the rest of the week. Lucky them. Not only did they marry the person of their dreams but they got to go to Ireland.

I can't wait to travel the world someday...

My list of international places I MUST visit:
1. Paris (again)
2. England
3. Ireland
4. Rome/all of Italy
5. Madrid/all of Spain
6. Greece
7. Australia
8. Japan
9. California
10. Germany
11. Mexico
12. Africa...I want to see the elephants :)

Weird Things Happen Every Day

Possibly the weirdest weekend ever.

Friday night-
The Thoroughly Modern Millie dinner theater was a huge success. We raised a ton of money and the scenes went...decently...Tech was amazing. They made the best stage for us..Really it was great. I got things worked out with Will and we're cool again but I totally lost trust in a few people which is really disappointing. But I did manage to gain Will's friendship back which was good.

Saturday-
Well, in all honesty, Saturday was just odd. I haven't had a Saturday off in months now so I actually got to sleep in and watch cartoons and eat breakfast with my family...That hasn't happened in so long...
Saturday night was the rehearsal dinner for my cousin's wedding and it was really nice. The rehearsal went smoothly except for my aunt who was crazier than normal and decided that instead of attending the rehearsal dinner, she and her husband Bobby were going to go out to eat with some of their friends. They left without saying a word to anyone and it really hacked everyone off but I think my parents were expecting her to do something like that. My parents' food was a hit but I should NEVER wait tables. It's just not my thing.



Sunday-
My cousin is now Mrs. Zach McNair. She was positively glowing. The whole wedding was absolutely perfect. And then I spent the rest of the day on the couch doing homework and watching pointless crap on tv. It was WONDERFUL





I've been reading for the past hour and I miss it. I haven't had time to sit down and read in so long...It's nice to relax..I guess I've forgotten the feeling.

I don't have much exciting going on this week. Rather, dull, actually. Saturday, we're celebrating my mom's birthday..but that's about it. Hoping to get an acceptance letter in the mail soon...

Streaming by in blurs of color

four months from today I will officially be an adult.
High school has gone by so fast and I have the feeling that college will too. It's quite sad but I know it's true.
Today everyone had school pictures and, thankfully, seniors don't have to take them. Instead we get to wear hideous black things that make us look ridiculous. I'd much rather have Mr. Barker take my photo in the nursery of the main building like he has for the past eleven years, but no.
In other news, I got a B on my precal test. I haven't seen it yet so I don't know if I should be disappointed in myself or happy...We shall see.
William was really sweet to me today for the first time all year. I'd forgotten what that's like. He's making my life much harder than it has to be.
I found out something today about one of my friends. From their mouth too so I know it's true. You think you know someone...I'm just amazed sometimes about how in-genuine some people can be. It's quite disappointing.
Why can't everyone feel the way I do about honesty?

Fairy Tale, Smairy Fail

I don't know what I'm doing.
I think I do, but I don't.
I think so often we decide we can fight our own battles alone when we really need help. I'm tired of fighting alone.

I'm in one of those moods where I wish I could will things into existence. I wish they would talk to me, I wish I were accepted to SU already, I wish life were easier...

But if life were easier, there would be no point.

More than anything, I just want to go to college, find a man who will love me and not stop loving me, travel the world, and live happily ever after.
Do fairy tales exist only to dangle dreams in front of girls and then yank them away?
Paramore: Brick by brick lyrics

Well she lives in the fairy tale
Somewhere too far for us to find
Forgotten the taste and smell
Of a world that she's left behind
It's all about the exposure the lens I told her

The angles are all wrong now
She's ripping wings off of butterflies
Keep your feet on the ground
When your head's in the clouds

Well go get your shovel
And we'll dig a deep hole
To bury the castle, bury the castle
Go get your shovel
And we'll dig a deep hole
To bury the castle, bury the castle
Ba da ba ba da ba ba da

So one day he found her crying
Coiled up on the dirty ground
Her prince finally came to save her
And the rest you can figure out
But it was a trick
And the clock struck 12

Well make sure to build your home brick by boring brick
or the wolf's gonna blow it down
Keep your feet on the ground
When your head's in the clouds

Well go get your shovel
And we'll dig a deep hole
To bury the castle, bury the castle
Go get your shovel
And we'll dig a deep hole
To bury the castle, bury the castle
Woah, woah.

Well you built up a world of magic
Because your real life is tragic
Yeah you built up a world of magic

If it's not real
You can't hold it in your hand
You can't feel it with your heart
And I won't believe it

But if it's true
You can see it with your eyes
Or even in the dark
And that's where I want to be, yeah

Go get your shovel
And we'll dig a deep hole
To bury the castle, bury the castle
Go get your shovel
And we'll dig a deep hole
To bury the castle, bury the castle
Ba da ba ba da ba ba da...

Silver Screen

Silver Screen
by Jackie Steen

I wish we could fly away on a cloud,
Take the best of my days and record them somehow
Play back time on the silver screen
To watch and to never forget

I wish I could say how I feel,
Lay out my words like a film reel,
Play out time on the silver screen,
To watch and to never forget

I wish I knew who you are,
To tell me how things are so far
Play out time on the silver screen
To watch and to never forget

I wish we had a future together,
Not some fling that could change like the weather
Play out time on the silver screen
To watch and to never forget

I wish I could know what you'll say,
Wait by the mailbox day after day
Play out time on the silver screen
To watch and to never forget

I wish I knew you felt the same,
Luck says you don't remember my name
Play out time on the silver screen
To watch and to never forget

I wish a lot of silly things
Only God knows what's on my heart strings
Play out time on the silver screen
To watch and never forget

It's been too long...

It's been a long time, I know. School is crazy, as it is every year. I don't think teachers realize that we have other classes besides theirs. And on top of other classes we have lives and college crap to deal with. But I have time to write now so I think I will :)
I'm good, thanks for asking! Well, my allergies are killing me again this year but I've managed to keep breathing which is a complete upgrade from last year. My voice has been going in and out though which might be a sign that my vocal cords are deciding to hate me again. we'll see...
Homecoming is this week and I'm crazy excited! I have the most beautiful dress and I asked Christian so I know I'll have fun! We're going with Joey and Shealynn and hopefully a whole bunch of other people so that'll be great :) I just don't want to eat at iHop which is where Joey wants to go. I'm going with Chili's I think! This week will be amazing. The only bad thing is that I have a pre cal test Wednesday but other than that, I'm livin it up!
I've spent so much more time hanging out with friends than I have since junior high. It feels nice to be able to spend time with people besides my parents and family.
Speaking of which, Ainsley is the most adorable thing ever made! She grows more and more every time I see her and she's continuously laughing and smiling and giggling. She is such a joy in my life and I'm so glad to have her during this time.
Also, I've officially sent in my application to Southwestern University. It is now out of my hands and into the admissions' people's. and God's of course. I have no doubt that I'll get in and if I don't, it'll be a surprise. My grades and scores are good enough. They just have to like me and I sincerely hope they will. I'm extatic about being a Pirate! and Chase got accepted to Concordia in Austin so I'll have a friend nearby which is a total relief.
As for Jeremy? We aren't talking. About a week ago, we decided it'd be better for both of us not to talk for at least a year. Well, i decided that because he wasn't talking to me so I said maybe when I get up there and he never responded. I hope he's doing well.
I've thought of half a dozen things that I'd like to tell him and it's hard to refrane but knowing that he doesn't care and wouldn't answer me anyways helps to resist texting or messaging him. Honestly, I do feel better without him but it still SUCKS butt being single. I'll get over it though.
If I learn anything this year it's that I don't need a guy to complete me.

Revelation

I came to a startling revelation today at work. I don't want Jeremy back. I thought I did. I thought he was the best there was. But in truth, he was never as perfect as I made him. Talking to him today, I was humbled by his unfriendliness. I know he wasn't trying to be unfriendly but that's how he came off. Today confirmed, officially, I did the right thing. I can look at pictures and not feel pain, say his name and not feel anything. I'm not over him. That will take time. I'm still attached to him. He was too much a part of my life to just throw away immediately. Not that I will ever "throw him away." He will always have a special place in my heart. But today I realized that I'm better off without him. That, as much as I HATE being single, I know that taking him back now would just be to have a boyfriend, not because I want him back.

I don't know what God has planned for the future. And that scares the crap out of me. But I know that He has someone amazing planned for me. Someone who will take care of me and love me and want me forever. I hate not knowing who and when but I know it'll happen. I know I deserve better than someone who was unhappy to be with me and I know that I need someone who will keep my focus on Christ and not on him.

Maybe someday Jeremy and I will have a future again. But I doubt it. And I'm ok with that. Because I know there's someone better, as hard as it is to imagine.

The future is scary. But I have God on my side. I know He'll get me through anything.

"There's been a change in me
A kind of moving on
Though what I used to be
I still depend on
For now I realize
That good can come from bad
That may not make me wise
But oh it makes me glad"

Beauty and the Beast (Broadway)