An End and A Start

I lost my best friend today. I don't know why God has made this happen but it has. I'm surprisingly calm which really scares me. I know there will be a break down eventually but with school starting in just hours I'm worried about when it will happen. I know I made the right decision. I know I deserve more than what he can give. But when you're with someone for 2 and 1/4 years, being separated from them is the worst feeling in the world. I feel like I've lost a piece of myself that I'll never get back. I defined myself as part of him for so long that now that he's gone I don't really like myself that much anymore because he's not part of me. I have to keep telling myself I'm ok because I really am but then I'm not at the same time. I think I'm dreaming but I'm not...He was just there laughing and being a total dork and then we were in his car talking and he was practically crying and he got his stuff and left...
I had to go through all my picture frames and albums and binders and shelves and drawers and take everything that was his or mine or ours and put it in this box i had of all of our homemade christmas ornaments and trinkets and tickets to things we'd done and now my room feels devoid of life even though it's totally the coolest room in the house. I have a pile of his stuff that i didn't think to give back when he was here just laying on the floor by my bed. His wonderful hockey blanket among it all. I will miss that blanket. If I remember hard enough, it still smells like him.
This has changed so many things. Senior year just doesn't appeal to me any more. I've never been asked to a dance before but considering that I've known all the guys at my school since first grade, I don't think this will be my lucky year. And I'm now dreading college more than ever. I just had to fall in love with a school that was half an hour away from him.
I feel like a mess but I'm really the most put together I've been in a long time. I haven't been single in years now and I know I won't like it but I have to see this all as a new chapter of life. Becuase if I don't I know I'll crash and burn. He was my everything and I based too much of myself on him. I know not to do that now. I'm going to pick up all my pieces, put myself together and see what God has in store for me. Because that's all I can do. It just sucks like no other.