There are good days and there are bad days and I've learned I'll always have someone there to listen to my complaints and griefs and exciting news. I don't need a blog to write to the universe what i can share with a friend.

Snow Day

It snowed today! Like, legitimate SNOW :)
School was dismissed at lunch so the only four classes I had to get through were basically blow offs! Every teacher (except Mrs. Reed, of course) let us go play in the snow. Then the seniors went to Cici's for lunch and that was ok, I guess. But then I came home to a white-covered lawn and played for like 2 hours! I had a snow ball fight with my daddy, made a snow angel, and made freddy, my awesome snow man who still currently exists :)
It's not that I haven't seen snow before it just that it's HERE. Houston has some of the most bipolar weather EVER!

Senioritis

Tired of faith west. Tired of high school. Tired of busywork. Tired of projects. Tired of threats. Tired of uniforms. Tired of drama. Tired of costumes. Tired of midterm reviews. Tired of math. Tired of 6 freaking 45 in the morning. Tired of ac in the winter and heater in the summer. Tired of diarrhea-colored paint. Tired of sound systems that don't work. Tired of carpool. Tired of late bells. Tired of student parking lots. Tired of chapel. Tired of announcements. Tired of pledges. Tired of Bible class. Tired of teachers who don't know how to teach. Tired of lunch tables. Tired of crappy bathrooms. Tired of intercoms. Tired of Katy.

Bring on college!!!!

Prayer and Thanksgiving

I have a lot to be thankful for.
Looking over the past week has shown me just that.
I have the most beautiful niece in the entire world. She's lifting herself up and, and just growing up so fast...And four-ish months from now I'll have another niece...

I've spent the last two days working with my best friend in the entire world. I'm sad she has to leave tomorrow but I'm glad to have spent so much time with her.

This week has been such a blessing in so many ways...It's been so nice to have a break for once...

I don't even want to think about school on Monday

Edward Cullen can bite me anytime!

Well, Jeremy's old laptop finally died. The computer didn't die, actually, just the screen. But either way, I can't use it. I feel weird typing this on the family computer...I didn't think I used the laptop so much until it finally went byebye.

New Moon was AMAZING! I've seen it everyday of the opening weekend and I have plans with Jenn to see it tomorrow! As much as I hate that book and don't understand why I willingly subject myself to acute pain, it really is a great movie. Ten billion times better than the first one. And it was great to see Best Friend! Can't wait to see her some more this week!

Jer and I had a conversation over whether or not Edward Cullen was an abusive boyfriend. Of course Jeremy thinks he is and I hold the opposing opinion. He may seem like that but all of his actions are only to keep Bella from harm. And if Bella thought he was abusive, she would have gotten away from him. The thing is, I would want someone like Edward. I want someone who will protect me and who will forever be devoted to me. I don't think that's abuse, I think that's love. But what do I know about love? Clearly, I'm not cut out for it.

I wish people would stop talking about guys I can date. I don't want that. I don't want people trying to set me up and I don't want that attention...or that hope. If I sit here and let people do that, I'll start hoping things that I shouldn't. The only outcome of hope is heartbreak. I can't do that again.

I think seeing New Moon so many times in a row has me in some sort of depressed funk. I need to read/watch something more uplifting. Star Trek maybe?!

damaged goods

Jordan finally has her first boyfriend. They've been dating since homecoming and he's a really sweet guy but she is completely head over heels. Last wednesday at senior girl bible study she was talking about how they met and telling their story and whatnot and she was saying that she knows that she'll marry Phillip. I'm worried because I felt the same way about Jer. There was never a doubt in my mind...Even when I broke up with him I couldn't believe what I was saying. My mom is still convinced I'll marry him. But I know that none of it was ever true. That future is lost to me and I think that's one of the hardest things about losing him. Not only did I lose my best friend but i lost whatever future I had with him as well. I don't want Jordan to be broken like I am. Especially not with her first boyfriend.
That's another thing. I've accepted the fact that I'm damaged goods. I don't know what guy will ever want that but that's what I am. There are pieces of my heart that I've given away that I'll never get back. A small piece to Jack and a huge one to Jeremy. Whatever heart I have left belongs to God. There's nothing left to give away.
I think reading New Moon was NOT a good idea. I knew that reading it so soon would be hard. And it was. I know exactly the pain she goes through. So not only did I basically subject myself to agonizing emotional pain but it's caused me to see my "love life" in such depressing ways.
No matter how much it hurts or how depressing my personal life may seem, at least I have not sunk back into that numb stupor that I had at times. I haven't hurt my parents like that and I haven't been apathetic towards anything.

We sent in the first deposit to SU today. SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO excited

Black, White, and Gold

I got my SU box today with all my new stuff. I officially have a decal on my car and a new tshirt, hoody, and some other cool stuff. :) I'm a pirate! I also got a letter from the SU admissions people saying congrats and that they were impressed by me which I thought was really great of them. I filled out my housing application and decision form and we'll being mailing them in as soon as I get my corrected scholarship letter. I'm really super duper excited about my dorm and who will be my roommate and all that jazz! I can't wait for college!
On another note, I'm dedicating a page in my senior scrapbook to all my underclassman friends. They got their copies of school pictures today so i'm stealing all their wallet sized for my page. I'm really excited about how this scrapbook will turn out...of course i'll need to finish my high school scrapbook before i can start my senior one but I'm getting there. Almost done with sophomore year. ;)
I'm nervous about thanksgiving break for some reason. There's alot happening in that one week. I don't know what I'm anxious about but for some reason I am.
Tomorrow is Friday, one of my favorite days. And for once I don't have to work. I'm trying to get people together for a movie but i'm not very good at that. so far, i have chase and kristina lined up but they'll go only if other cool people they know are going lol...so basically, i think i'll probably end up by myself on my couch tomorrow but at least i tried, right?

Sunshine Song? Yes please!

I have officially found a redeemable factor in working on Sundays.
I still don't like working on what's meant to be a day of rest but when I do have to, I've found a little joy in it.
A few weeks ago Marcy (my boss) threw this huge hissy fit about people getting to work before we open on the weekends (something I've always done but some people just can't seem to do). So I made sure to leave even earlier than usual, bringing with me a packed lunch to eat in the car since it messed with my lunch schedule. I got to the store parking lot and Marcy wasn't even there so instead of parking in my spot and waiting like a creeper, I drove down to the park just behind the store and had myself a little pick nick. It was so relaxing and such a nice day. So I've decided that I'll be doing that every Sunday that I have to work. I'll sit in my car when it's too cold or raining. But I enjoyed the nice day even if the park brought back memories I've been trying to repress. Not because they're bad or painful memories at all. Simply because it would make life so much harder to remember them.
Monday I got my acceptance letter to SU! It came in this wonderfully gold folder. It's so pretty and clean and wonderful, just how I expected it. Of course the first thing I did after I opened it and called everyone was go to the campus store website and order a buttload of merchandise! Part of my Christmas present :) So, it's safe to say that I'm officially a pirate! Such a good ring to it, huh? And I got scholarship money which of course my parents are happy about.
Tuesday two amazing things came out: Up, and Jason Mraz's Beautiful Mess. I haven't seen Up since the theaters and I want to watch it with my mom so I've been putting that one off but it's definitely sitting on my bed wishing I would put it in. But I did watch Jason. It's a dvd of his concert in Chicago but the funny thing is that it's the exact line up of songs that he played when he was here so it was like i was rewatching the concert I'd already attended. IT WAS AMAZING. I love him so much, you have no idea. He is such an incredible artist. If I ever met Jason Mraz, I would marry him on the spot, no questions asked...if he asked me. Such an awesome guy...
Wednesday has been good. We watched a few scenes from Grease in Bible today and I have definitely had the song stuck in my head ALL DAY. But it was nice to take a break from discussing to watch something that definitely isn't "faith west approved."
The week ahead?
Tomorrow mom and I are heading to Charming Charlie's after school...just because ;)
Friday...I don't have plans. I better end up doing something fun though.
Saturday I work all day and then I'm headed to the play off game. We're district champs and we beat beaumont and supposedly we'll beat these guys...STATE BOUND BABY!
Sunday...I think I work Sunday...which means the park!

Only eight more days until I see my best friend!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It was the best of times, It was the worst of times

My parents met a the bus stop in sixth grade. They dated my mom's freshman year through her senior year when my dad went off to college and they couldn't do long distance. They got back together my mom's sophomore year in college and a year after that they were married. They are best friends to this day, even if they don't act like it sometimes.

I've heard this story maybe twelve times since August 23. My mother, though she though me and Jeremy were much too serious, is convinced that he and I will get back together when I get to college. This is exactly the kind of thinking I have been avoiding for the past two months. How on earth am I supposed to completely get over him when I have this story and the obnoxious attitude of my mother's constantly shoved down my throat? It makes life so much more difficult when parents don't agree with their children's decisions. Of course, my parents support me but they don't agree with me. And I know they don't know everything that happened but when I'm used to following their every wish...well most every wish, it makes it very difficult to stand behind my personal decisions. Not to mention that there are times when I talk to Jer that I simply forget we're broken up or can't seem to remember why we did.

My life seems to get more and more confusing and blurred as this year progresses. I've learned so much about myself in such a short period of time. And I've seen a side to my family that I never knew existed. But more than anything, I've learned so much about my God. I've always known that He will never give me anything more than I can handle and this year has truly been a testament to that. And yet, I still feel so blessed.

My best friend in the entire world comes home in eleven days. While my life has been so randomly weird and, simply, off these past few months she has been one of my only constants and I can't tell you how grateful I am for her. I love you Katherine Anne :)

Mawige is what bwings us togever todayee

It's amazing the conversations that come up at school. You wouldn't believe some of the things these sheltered private school kids come up with. Granted, I'm one of them. But today I sort of stood out of all of it and looked at my friends who were so enthralled in what's being said and noticed for the first time in twelve years how ridiculous we look.
I want to know what will happen to me when I'm not in my private school bubble. I'm certainly not the innocent kid I was a few years ago and I'm most definitely "damaged goods" but the main thing is that I've never had to make new friends...not really. Everyone I know has known me for a long time and they all get me. What am I going to do when I'm surrounded by strangers? Which brings me to my next point. In bible class we're talking about marriage which of course gets me wondering who will I marry? When I was little I always saw myself marrying on of my friends from school, someone I would have known for forever and who would have been part of my childhood. Freshman year, I saw myself marrying someone like Jack, if not Jack. He's a great guy and I couldn't imagine being treated any better...until Jeremy came. And then from that point till two months ago I was convinced he was the one. But now, who's left? I see the boys at my school as brothers. How can I not? I've grown up with all of them. And I will not marry Jack...for many reasons. But that's not to say that he's not a great guy. And clearly, Jeremy's out of the picture. That only leaves someone I'll meet at school...But the thing is, Southwestern may be Methodist but I have a feeling that the majority of the students who go there don't care about faith. I may be wrong but that's just how it seems to me. So how am I supposed to find a good Christian guy who loves Jesus in a very liberal school in a very liberal part of the state? Ugh. I'm too young to be worrying about all this but I can't help that it's in the back of my mind...
I'm sorry for ranting so much. I looked back at some previous posts and realized that I sure do talk alot...Oh well :)

This Week

This week
has gone by SO slowly. Yesterday I woke up thinking it was today and that really threw me off. It's not like I have anything to look forward to this weekend it's just that this week keeps dragging on...
I've gotten two letters from Southwestern this week. Both of them were just informational letters about the application process and so forth. It's really annoying to come home and you're parents say that you've gotten a letter from the only school you've applied to and it's just stuff you already know...
Sunday is my mommy's birthday and all of my family is coming over to celebrate and play pictionary. I think it'll be nice.
Candice and Zach are in Ireland for the rest of the week. Lucky them. Not only did they marry the person of their dreams but they got to go to Ireland.

I can't wait to travel the world someday...

My list of international places I MUST visit:
1. Paris (again)
2. England
3. Ireland
4. Rome/all of Italy
5. Madrid/all of Spain
6. Greece
7. Australia
8. Japan
9. California
10. Germany
11. Mexico
12. Africa...I want to see the elephants :)

Weird Things Happen Every Day

Possibly the weirdest weekend ever.

Friday night-
The Thoroughly Modern Millie dinner theater was a huge success. We raised a ton of money and the scenes went...decently...Tech was amazing. They made the best stage for us..Really it was great. I got things worked out with Will and we're cool again but I totally lost trust in a few people which is really disappointing. But I did manage to gain Will's friendship back which was good.

Saturday-
Well, in all honesty, Saturday was just odd. I haven't had a Saturday off in months now so I actually got to sleep in and watch cartoons and eat breakfast with my family...That hasn't happened in so long...
Saturday night was the rehearsal dinner for my cousin's wedding and it was really nice. The rehearsal went smoothly except for my aunt who was crazier than normal and decided that instead of attending the rehearsal dinner, she and her husband Bobby were going to go out to eat with some of their friends. They left without saying a word to anyone and it really hacked everyone off but I think my parents were expecting her to do something like that. My parents' food was a hit but I should NEVER wait tables. It's just not my thing.



Sunday-
My cousin is now Mrs. Zach McNair. She was positively glowing. The whole wedding was absolutely perfect. And then I spent the rest of the day on the couch doing homework and watching pointless crap on tv. It was WONDERFUL





I've been reading for the past hour and I miss it. I haven't had time to sit down and read in so long...It's nice to relax..I guess I've forgotten the feeling.

I don't have much exciting going on this week. Rather, dull, actually. Saturday, we're celebrating my mom's birthday..but that's about it. Hoping to get an acceptance letter in the mail soon...

So over it

I'm over it.
all of it.
I ruin things so easily.
Tomorrow I begin day one of getting back on track.
Wish me luck, I'll need it.

Streaming by in blurs of color

four months from today I will officially be an adult.
High school has gone by so fast and I have the feeling that college will too. It's quite sad but I know it's true.
Today everyone had school pictures and, thankfully, seniors don't have to take them. Instead we get to wear hideous black things that make us look ridiculous. I'd much rather have Mr. Barker take my photo in the nursery of the main building like he has for the past eleven years, but no.
In other news, I got a B on my precal test. I haven't seen it yet so I don't know if I should be disappointed in myself or happy...We shall see.
William was really sweet to me today for the first time all year. I'd forgotten what that's like. He's making my life much harder than it has to be.
I found out something today about one of my friends. From their mouth too so I know it's true. You think you know someone...I'm just amazed sometimes about how in-genuine some people can be. It's quite disappointing.
Why can't everyone feel the way I do about honesty?

Mondays, I hate Mondays...Weekends, I look for the weekends!

One word: precal.
I actually have an a in the class right now but only because I've gone to math lab every day and worked my butt off. We have a test tomorrow and I feel like I should be doing more but I've completed my folder, corrected everything, and done every odd review question over the sections we're testing over tomorrow and checked them with the answers in the back of the book. I think I might actually know what I'm doing this time...Which is completely scaring me that I'm forgetting something. I'm asking everyone for prayers so if you're thinking about me anywhere from 10:45 to 11:35 tomorrow morning, PLEASE PRAY FOR ME. It's only by God's grace that I made a b in the nine weeks last term and I'd really really love to make an a or at least a high b for this term. If I can make an a on this test, I'll keep my 93.
I know my parents are proud of me no matter what but I was not happy with my report card. I got straight B's. It was mostly because I've been so focused on doing decently in precal that I've neglected my other subjects but I'd really REALLY like to get back to all A's. I know I can do better than this past nine weeks.
My dad said that my grades don't really matter any more and that I should stop worrying about them. I can't help it. I need the goal to get me through the rest of the school year.
No House tonight. Stupid baseball.

The Miracle of Life

I spent all day today with my favorite person in the entire world.
My niece is the sweetest six month old baby I've ever met. She is nothing but smiles and squeals and love and she is such a blessing to me. It was so good to spend so much time with her and Jenn said that she's never seen Ainsley so relaxed with anyone besides her and Shawn before. I'm so in love with those chubby little cheeks and bright blue eyes! She puts me in such a good mood and I just love being around her. We got to feed her twice today and she and I went for a walk. Literally, I could spend every day with her and not be sick of it.

She started to crawl today and then I think got a little weirded out by it and stopped but it'll probably happen sometime this week. Jenn said she's turning into a little toddler, she's getting so active. It's so amazing watching her grow up. God really does know what He's doing and so many times we forget that. Being the youngest, Ainsley is my first experience witnessing the miracle of life and I can't begin to explain what an honor and blessing it's been. I'm thrilled that I get to be in her life, every step of the way, watching and helping and loving.
Seriously, everyone needs this in their life. It's truly humbling and such a "God-thing."

Senioritis

My best friend came to visit me this weekend! :)
We made freaking awesome shirts for the premiere of New Moon in less than a month and did our usual best friend activities. I love her lots :)
Marin is convinced that I "like-like" Will, which I don't, and wants to tell him. Or wants me to tell him. I'm not ready for any of that yet. Thinking about it all makes me feel sick. No one will or can replace Jeremy and that's essentially what the girls at school want me to do. They're tired of me bringing him up and they're all convinced that the best way to get over a guy is to find a new one. I don't want a new one, it's just that Jeremy was my best friend for two years, not to mention he's my go to guy when I have a question about something entirely random. Needless to say, he comes up alot. They're gunna have to get over it.
Work today was so ridiculous. Marcy almost fired JP because he came in late and then proceeded to take it out on all of us. She was in a terrible mood all day and was just horrible, even to her favorite, Danielle. Shelby went on a "day trip" to Monroe and Marcy thinks she's not going to show up to work tomorrow. If she doesn't, Marcy wants to "talk to her" if not fire her...Glad I'm not working tomorrow!
Speaking of which, I get tomorrow off which means I get to hang out with my beautiful niece/goddaughter ALL DAY! I'm so excited! She is the most adorable thing ever!
I can't wait until Christmas break. I'm only one week into this quarter and I'm so ready for it to be over. Senioritis much?

Fairy Tale, Smairy Fail

I don't know what I'm doing.
I think I do, but I don't.
I think so often we decide we can fight our own battles alone when we really need help. I'm tired of fighting alone.

I'm in one of those moods where I wish I could will things into existence. I wish they would talk to me, I wish I were accepted to SU already, I wish life were easier...

But if life were easier, there would be no point.

More than anything, I just want to go to college, find a man who will love me and not stop loving me, travel the world, and live happily ever after.
Do fairy tales exist only to dangle dreams in front of girls and then yank them away?
Paramore: Brick by brick lyrics

Well she lives in the fairy tale
Somewhere too far for us to find
Forgotten the taste and smell
Of a world that she's left behind
It's all about the exposure the lens I told her

The angles are all wrong now
She's ripping wings off of butterflies
Keep your feet on the ground
When your head's in the clouds

Well go get your shovel
And we'll dig a deep hole
To bury the castle, bury the castle
Go get your shovel
And we'll dig a deep hole
To bury the castle, bury the castle
Ba da ba ba da ba ba da

So one day he found her crying
Coiled up on the dirty ground
Her prince finally came to save her
And the rest you can figure out
But it was a trick
And the clock struck 12

Well make sure to build your home brick by boring brick
or the wolf's gonna blow it down
Keep your feet on the ground
When your head's in the clouds

Well go get your shovel
And we'll dig a deep hole
To bury the castle, bury the castle
Go get your shovel
And we'll dig a deep hole
To bury the castle, bury the castle
Woah, woah.

Well you built up a world of magic
Because your real life is tragic
Yeah you built up a world of magic

If it's not real
You can't hold it in your hand
You can't feel it with your heart
And I won't believe it

But if it's true
You can see it with your eyes
Or even in the dark
And that's where I want to be, yeah

Go get your shovel
And we'll dig a deep hole
To bury the castle, bury the castle
Go get your shovel
And we'll dig a deep hole
To bury the castle, bury the castle
Ba da ba ba da ba ba da...

Celebration, Pitty Parties, and Self Control

I got a B in precal! Don't know how I managed it, but I have an 81 on my report card! All I know is that it was totally God and not me. I know I couldn't have done that on my own...
Also, Best Friend is coming home on Friday to make t shirts for the New Moon midnight premier!! Get excited! I want to reread the book but since New Moon is the most sad of the four and considering what happened two months ago, it may not be the best idea. Hysterics probably wouldn't be convenient.
There's not much else to report except that I can't tell you enough how amazing paramore's cd is.
Also, William is slowly being erased from my list. It was never a list but that's the only metaphor I could think of while running on this much sleep. (long night studying for apgov test) It's not that I like him it's that I could like him but I know that it wouldn't be fair to either of us for me to be that way and I think for the first time in almost 18 years now I'm beginning to control myself. Hopefully. No more falling blindly. Look how that turned out.
I miss having someone to talk to that wanted to talk to me back. That part was nice. And having someone to take care of too.
Ok. I need to stop.
The End.
Also, Ainsley is six months old today!!!

Make it stop

This weekend has been pretty crappy even though I had Friday off.
Actually, Friday was my only decent day. I got to sleep in, spend the day with my niece, and goof off until work. And then I came home and watched a Pride and Prejudice twice in a row on Oxygen and sent quotes via text to Katie. Wow, I have no life.
Saturday was where things went wrong.
First of all, Marcy asked me to come in an hour early. I normally don't mind coming in early but an hour just to restock a hand full of items and windex the counters. So I didn't have much to do the majority of that hour. Then I worked for eight more hours while the store was actually open. By closing time, I was absolutely exhausted. Not to mention the drama with my friends. And yes, I can say friends now. It was a very overwhelming day. When I got home, I tried for two hours to turn our front tv on because I knew that the second my parents got home, they'd kick me out of their room. It never did turn on. We have to call a repair guy this week. I hope my parents know I'll be watching House in their room tomorrow, no matter what. So anyway, out of shear frustration and confusion I spent most of those two hours crying on the couch. It was pathetic. But then Will called and we talked for a bit and he made life better. Then he went and got into a car wreck and the Shiny Silver Volvo might be totaled. That's too bad. I liked knowing a shiny silver Volvo owner. It made me feel like Bella Swan. Will's ok though which is what matters.
So as you can imagine, I was exhausted all day today. I even showed up late to work, I was so groggy when I woke up, I didn't even pay attention to the time most of the morning. But when I got home, there was Ainsley. I am so in love with my baby niece! She is the cutest thing in the entire world and I know I say that every time I mention her but she really is! She's starting to crawl! AND we can put clips in her hair now! It's the most amazing thing to make her laugh or smile.
I've been asked out for the fourth time by the same guy. I don't think he understands that I'm not dating for a year even though I've said it several times. If he asks again, I swear I'll throw up. I hate saying no but I honestly don't want to go out with him.
HELP ME